I recently asked some of our Jai Parent Coach graduates: “What is possible for you and your children because you now have access to the work we do here at Jai?” And the conversation… quite frankly… blew me away. I *might* have cried a little. 

Here’s the conversation:

As parenting coaches, parents come to us for solutions to some very common problems... 

• They want to stop yelling at their kids, and they want their kids to listen. 
• They are going crazy because their kids won’t stop bickering with each other. 
• They have older kids who are demonstrating high-risk behaviors or having a mental health crisis, and they are scared.
• They have kids who are underperforming, and they don’t know how to motivate them.
• They are experiencing relationship friction with their co-parent, spouse, or partner because they have different views on how their kids should be parented.
• They feel like their kids don’t respect them or even care about them. They feel taken advantage of and worry that they’ve raised entitled, spoiled kids. 

Where We Can Find the Solution

Up until now, the lion’s share of advice available to parents addresses each of these issues at the level of behavior.

The “miracle” of transformational parenting is that when we shift how we are showing up as parents, the “behaviors” that were driving us bananas go away. No sticker charts required. 

What is Peaceful Parenting?

The easiest way to explain peaceful parenting is to explain what it’s not. It can be best explained with what we call the 3 P’s:

It’s Not Permissive

One of the largest misconceptions about peaceful parenting is that somehow it is “anything goes” parenting. As peaceful parents, we do not abdicate the responsibility of teaching our children the values and life skills that will guide them through life. This looks drastically different from permissive parenting, where the parent lacks or doesn’t uphold boundaries, rules, and limits. 

Peaceful parenting is about shared empowerment and rectifying power imbalances, whether it’s the parent overpowering (dominant, authoritarian parenting) or the parent being underpowered (permissive parenting). Peaceful parenting creates a space where the needs of the parent and child are valid, heard, and aimed to be understood, and collaborative solutions and agreements are created through communication. This leads us to the second “P” because, in peaceful parenting, communication is the replacement for punishment. 

It’s Not Punitive 

In peaceful parenting, we don’t resort to punishments, enforced consequences, threats, or even external positive reinforcement tools like sticker charts or bribes to change our children’s behavior. 

We know what you’re thinking: kids need consequences.

And you’re right, they do. But in peaceful parenting, we allow life’s consequences to help us teach our children accountability, autonomy, and responsibility. Instead of shaming them for their behavior, we guide them to take responsibility for and learn from their mistakes. 

We don’t believe that it’s our role to prepare kids for the “real world” with ideas like “tough love.” Rather, our role is to be there for them when they experience the real world. We do this by teaching them logical consequences (if there’s a mess, we clean up the mess) over arbitrary consequences (if you don’t do your homework, you don’t get to see your friends). 

Even though enforced consequences are a common practice in traditional parenting, they don’t teach children anything other than that they should be compliant. Peaceful parenting looks beyond the traditional strategies of parenting that use fear, control, and manipulation to “get kids to behave” to better prepare them for life's ups and downs and instead allows our kids to thrive as fulfilled and mature adults.

It’s Not Perfect

When you hear the words “Peaceful Parenting,” you may imagine a parent who keeps their cool 100% of the time, never makes mistakes with their kids, and totally has it all together. This is NOT the case. We’re parents, not parenting robots.

One of our core beliefs at the Jai Institute for Parenting is that all behavior is an indication of a need and whether that need has been met or unmet. Even though this relates to our kids, we’re no exception to this as adults. Being a parent comes with constant challenges and pressures, and we’re bound to have our own “tantrums” due to unmet needs within ourselves. Even though peaceful parenting isn’t perfect, it gives us the tools and framework to better navigate tough moments and show up as best as possible no matter the circumstance. 

Most importantly, we model REPAIR. This means that when we mess up, we take responsibility and model conscientious forgiveness so that our kids can learn this, too! All of us make mistakes. What matters is how we take responsibility for them! 

How Did Peaceful Parenting Get Started?

If you look at a lot of indigenous and non-western cultures, this is the way that parenting is held and has been held for a long time. Although this method of parenting looks similar to non-western approaches to parenting, peaceful parenting is beyond space and time. It isn’t owned by any culture or background. It’s the method of parenting that proves to be the most effective, based on scientific studies and our growing understanding of child and brain development.

In Western culture, we’re finally seeing the value in preserving children’s self-esteem, confidence, and autonomy through parenting in a way that doesn’t require inflicting pain (physical, emotional, or relational) and unintentional harm.

We’re not bypassing our responsibilities when we’re peaceful. We’re simply using communication to teach, model, and guide our children over more power-over methods of punishments and consequences. Parenting peacefully requires us to not only trust the efficacy of the way we parent but, most importantly, it requires us to trust that our children will learn over time as we teach them consistently with patience, presence, and peace.

What Are the Benefits of Peaceful Parenting?

It Develops Deeper Trust and Connection

Peaceful parenting promotes an environment with trust, empathy, and an aim to understand the “why” behind behavior at any given moment. A family culture that prioritizes meeting needs and practices nonviolent communication creates a stronger foundation for building intimate, long-lasting relationships between parent and child. Too many adults lack authentic connection with their parents because there is resentment from their childhoods. Peaceful parenting preserves the relationship so that the parenting relationship remains strong. This means we have to focus on building a foundation of trust and connection.

It Reduces Stress (for you and your child!)

Creating more understanding and trust in the home reduces stress by removing power struggles or misunderstandings. It is very stressful to see your child act out and think it’s because they’re defiant or something is wrong with them. Peaceful parenting provides a shift in the way we view behavior and gives context around developmentally normal behavior in children. When we know that it’s extremely difficult for a child to self-regulate due to what’s happening in their brain, we have much less fear about how “good” they are and much more compassion, understanding, and, yes, ease. And our kids feel our stress, so they’ll experience that new-found peace, too.

It Teaches Them Healthy Relationship Patterns to Bring Into Adulthood 

Across the board on studies and advancements in psychology, we see that one thing is true: a child’s first human relationships pave the way for the relationships they'll have for the rest of their lives. This means we have a huge responsibility to model healthy, fulfilling relationships with our kids, starting with the bond we form with them. When we practice building secure attachment, which is a core value in peaceful parenting, our children seek out healthier, securely attached relationships that will support them rather than take away from them.

How Can Parents Adjust to a New Way of Parenting?

We know that changing the way you parent can present certain challenges, either within yourself or within your community. Even though shifting your parenting style to a more peaceful one can be a process that calls for A LOT of patience, the long-term impact and benefit it has is beyond worth it. Here are some actionable steps to get you started in the transition to practicing peaceful parenting:

Get Clear on Your Parenting Intentions

This may look like listing out your main values and thinking of ways to incorporate them into activities or boundaries that you practice with your kids. For example, if you have a value of connection and togetherness, a family boundary may be that no one uses screens at the dinner table. 

Getting clear on your parenting intentions also looks like thinking about things you do or don’t want to practice moving forward in your parenting. If you want to let go of yelling and start practicing nonviolent communication or step away from your nightly habit of scrolling that could instead be used for quiet play or presence, these are intentions. This is all about building values-based boundaries for yourself and your family.

Education is the Greatest Gift for Both You and Your Family

We jump into parenting with the expectation that we’ll just figure it all out, but how much better would it be if we had the knowledge and tools so that we didn’t have to? There’s no amount of money we wouldn’t spend for our kids, but we often don’t think about how we can invest in ourselves and our parenting and how THAT is one of the best gifts that we can give them. Investing in programs, and even coaching, is one of the greatest investments to reach your parenting goals and also to have access to the accountability that will keep you on track. You can find a directory of our Certified Parenting Coaches here! 

Surround Yourself With Support and a Like-Minded Community

Community is vital, especially when it comes to parenting! Navigating anything new, like adjusting to a new parenting style, can leave you feeling like you’re the only one on that path. Surrounding yourself with like-minded parents who are also passionate about parenting their kids peacefully will give you the support and connection you need on your unique parenting journey. 

When we train our Parenting Coaches, this is probably one of the biggest things we hear: “I no longer feel so alone in my commitment to parent differently than the way everyone else is parenting! PHEW!!”

What Our Certified Parent Coaches Are Saying About This Work

Allyn describes the joy of watching her two children play together, support each other, and be there for each other. There’s none of the rivalry that put her at odds with her own brother, whom she no longer has a relationship with. While her children are still young, she has no reason to believe that these strong relational foundations will shift. Her kids are very likely going to be friends for life. 

Same here. My children truly love each other. They are in high school, just a year apart, and seem to be able to navigate for themselves the balance between giving each other space in their friend groups and enjoying each other’s company. They are each other’s biggest cheerleaders, applauding grades well-earned and dreams pursued. 

Jenny and Chris have adult children now, and they both gush with joy about their grown children. They speak to the love they experience when they spend time together and how their kids call to talk with them, yes, when they have challenges to face, but also when they read a good book or want to talk about Buddhism, politics, or a new romance.

Katie shared a dinner-table conversation with her 8-year-old. She was sharing stories of her own “mean grandmother” and some of the experiences that left her feeling less-than, not good enough, and unworthy. (Yes, in transformational parenting, we talk about these things!!) Her daughter said, “Well, it sounds like your grandmother didn’t know how to be nice to you.” Such wisdom. 

Daisy is from Nigeria, where, as the oldest, she was tasked with raising her younger siblings. She’s been mama-ing for most of her life. She is doing the work of breaking generational patterns that saw little value in affection. At times, it’s still hard for her to express affection for her children, and she is working through learning to give a simple hug. But her daughter? Her daughter came home from school recently and said, “Mama, I think I want to be a therapist.”

“Why?” asked Daisy. 

“Because my friends all tell me about their feelings. They tell me how lucky I am to have a mother who understands about feelings. They want to have a mother like you.” Gulp. 

Here’s the thing about kids:

They are just like us. They want to belong. They want to get along. They want to enjoy their time with us, their parent. They want to excel. 

When we give them what they need, they will naturally and easily give us what we need. 

The shift to transformational parenting creates a family system where all feelings and needs are heard, considered, and agreed upon. As parents, we also get to have feelings and needs. We get to take five minutes when we need them. 

Children are shouting with their actions and deeds. When we hear them, they no longer need to shout. So magical? Yes. Theoretical? No. 

This is simply how brains, emotions, and behaviors work. It’s not rocket science – it’s human science! 

Creating a family that is centered on communication, open emotional expression, and fun is the prescription we need to solve some of life’s greatest modern challenges. 

Really. And it is the cure for so much that ails us.

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Co-Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.