How Parenting Styles Shape Child Development

One afternoon, when Myles was about seven, he lost his temper over a LEGO creation that had collapsed. Pieces flew. He kicked the table. I felt a flash of heat rise in me. My instinct was to shout, to shut it down. But I paused. I remembered how, as a child, anger like that wasn’t tolerated—it was punished. I’d learned to bury my big feelings, not explore them.

And here I was, standing in a moment where I could choose differently.

Parenting styles refer to the emotional climate in which parents raise their children. These styles encompass the attitudes, behaviors, and methods parents use to communicate, discipline, support, and guide their children. Rooted in decades of developmental psychology research, parenting styles are not just about specific tactics but about the overarching relationship dynamic between parent and child.

But here's something most of us were never taught: the style we use as parents today is often a reaction to the one we experienced in childhood. Some of us repeat it, consciously or unconsciously. Others swing to the opposite extreme, trying to correct what was missing. Both responses can keep us reactive, rather than intentional. That’s why understanding these styles matters, not to label, but to liberate.

Psychologist Diana Baumrind was among the first to identify and categorize parenting styles in the 1960s, later expanded upon by Maccoby and Martin. They classified parenting behaviors along two dimensions:

1. Responsiveness (Warmth) – the degree to which parents respond to their child's emotional and developmental needs.
2. Demandingness (Control) – the degree to which parents enforce rules, expectations, and structure.

These dimensions form the foundation for four primary parenting styles:

• Authoritative Parenting: High warmth, high structure. Often called the “gold standard,” this style blends connection with clear boundaries.
• Authoritarian Parenting: Low warmth, high structure. Emphasizes obedience and control, often at the expense of emotional connection.
• Permissive Parenting: High warmth, low structure. Prioritizes connection but struggles with consistent boundaries.
• Neglectful Parenting: Low warmth, low structure. Characterized by emotional distance and lack of guidance.

Understanding parenting styles is essential because they are deeply predictive of a child's emotional regulation, resilience, academic performance, social behavior, and mental health.

But more importantly, when we understand how we were parented and how that shows up in our own parenting, we unlock the power to choose. To respond with intention. To lead with compassion instead of reaction.

This is where transformation begins.

The Main Parenting Styles & Their Impact on Children

Authoritative Parenting

High responsiveness, high demandingness

When my daughter Charlotte was in eighth grade, she came home one day in tears after a conflict with her best friend. I remember sitting beside her on the couch, listening - really listening - as she poured out what had happened. Instead of jumping in to fix it or judge it, I reflected her feelings back to her. "That sounds so painful, honey. It makes sense you’d feel confused and hurt."

Later that evening, once she was calmer, we brainstormed together what she might say to repair the friendship. It wasn’t about telling her what to do. It was about offering support while letting her lead. That’s authoritative parenting: boundaries and support, leadership and empathy.

Children raised in authoritative households tend to flourish in a variety of ways. Because they experience both emotional validation and clear, respectful boundaries, they develop a strong sense of self-worth. When a child feels seen, heard, and guided rather than controlled, they come to believe in their own value, and that belief carries into how they approach school, friendships, and challenges.

These children also tend to develop robust emotional regulation skills. They aren't punished for having big feelings; instead, they're taught how to navigate them. Over time, they learn to self-soothe, to name what’s going on inside, and to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. 

In academic settings, this often translates to better performance, not because of fear-based motivation, but because they’ve been encouraged to take ownership of their learning and to persevere through difficulties.

Socially, kids with authoritative parents typically cultivate stronger, more empathetic relationships. They've seen what it looks like to communicate with respect and repair conflict with honesty. And finally, they grow into autonomy with confidence. Because they’ve been given space to make choices and learn from mistakes in a safe environment, they trust themselves—and they’re more likely to act from internal motivation rather than external pressure.

Impact on Children:

• High self-esteem and confidence
• Strong emotional regulation
• Better academic performance
• Healthier social relationships
• Greater autonomy and intrinsic motivation

Authoritarian Parenting

Low responsiveness, high demandingness

I’ll never forget a conversation I had with a coaching client named Mateo. He had grown up in a household where “because I said so” was the parenting motto. Emotions were seen as weakness, and obedience was the gold standard. As a dad now himself, Mateo found himself reacting in ways that mirrored the very environment he had once feared.

One day, after a long day at work, he snapped at his five-year-old son over a minor spill—some juice had tipped onto the kitchen floor. His son froze, eyes wide with fear, and whispered, “I’m sorry, Daddy. Please don’t be mad.” Mateo later described that moment as a punch to the gut. The look in his son’s eyes wasn’t just about juice; it was about fear. And Mateo knew, right then, that he didn’t want to lead through fear.

In our coaching work together, we unpacked what was happening beneath the surface. Mateo wasn’t a bad father. He was a human being reenacting what had been modeled for him. Together, we practiced what it meant to pause instead of pounce, to breathe before speaking, to get curious before correcting. Over time, Mateo started replacing control with connection. He began to notice what his son needed, not just what behavior needed to stop. And in doing so, their relationship began to heal.

Children raised in authoritarian environments often internalize the belief that their worth is tied to performance or obedience. Without emotional warmth or a safe connection, they may develop low self-esteem and a persistent fear of failure. Some become anxious or depressed, constantly scanning for approval. Others rebel, pushing back against rigid authority in an effort to reclaim power. Even those who comply may do so at the cost of their authenticity, afraid to think independently or express disagreement.

Socially, these children can struggle. They may have difficulty trusting others, resolving conflicts respectfully, or expressing their needs in healthy ways. And because they haven’t been given tools for emotional regulation, their inner world often remains confusing and overwhelming. In short, the authoritarian style may produce short-term obedience, but it does so at the expense of long-term emotional health and relational confidence.

Impact on Children:

• Low self-esteem
• Increased anxiety or depression
• Poor social skills
• Risk of rebellion or excessive compliance
• Difficulty with independent thinking

Permissive Parenting

High responsiveness, low demandingness

When Myles was in middle school, he went through a phase of resisting every single boundary. Screen time limits? Negotiable. Bedtime? Up for debate. I found myself saying yes to things I didn’t actually agree with just to avoid an argument. One night, after he stayed up far too late binge-watching YouTube, he was a wreck the next day. Tired, cranky, and overwhelmed, he snapped at me over breakfast. And that’s when it hit me: my desire to be liked was actually eroding the structure he needed to feel safe.

That moment was more than just about screen time. It was a mirror. I realized how deeply my own childhood experience was shaping my parenting. I was raised by a single mom who had a big career in journalism. As an only child, I was often on my own, physically safe, but emotionally unattended. My mom loved me, no doubt, but she was stretched thin and rarely available in the way I needed. I learned to take care of myself, to be easy, to stay out of the way. So now, as a parent, my instinct was to offer my kids what I had longed for: approval, availability, the sense that they were never alone.

But love without limits isn’t what kids need most. My desire to avoid conflict came from a good place, but it left Myles without the boundaries that help a child feel grounded. I wasn’t doing him any favors by avoiding being the “bad guy.” He didn’t need a friend who said yes to everything; he needed a parent who could lovingly hold the line.

So we recalibrated. Together, we created a new evening routine: consistent bedtime, limited screens, and time to wind down. At first, he pushed back. But then came the shift. He started sleeping better. Mornings went more smoothly. The meltdowns decreased. And surprisingly, our connection deepened. He felt safer, not because I was more permissive, but because I was finally leading.

Children raised in permissive households often receive abundant love but little structure. This can create confusion. They may know they are cherished, but without clear boundaries, they struggle to understand limits, routines, and consequences.

These children often find it difficult to develop self-discipline because they haven’t been supported in practicing it. They may resist rules not because they are defiant, but because they haven’t learned the muscle of delayed gratification or emotional tolerance.

Academically, they may underperform, not due to lack of ability, but because they haven’t developed habits like consistency and follow-through. Socially, they may struggle to respect the boundaries of others, simply because they haven’t experienced healthy limits themselves. And ironically, though permissive parenting is rooted in the desire to avoid conflict, it can increase anxiety in children.

Without a clear sense of what to expect, the world can feel unpredictable and unsafe. The good news? Children raised in permissive environments can thrive when structure is introduced gently, consistently, and with warmth.

Impact on Children:

• Struggles with self-discipline and responsibility
• Difficulty following rules
• Poor academic performance
• Higher risk of anxiety due to a lack of guidance

Neglectful (Uninvolved) Parenting

Low responsiveness, low demandingness

One of the most painful stories I heard during a coaching session was from a woman named Trina. She described her childhood as “being raised by silence.” Her parents were physically present but emotionally absent, caught up in work, their own worries, and survival. Trina often made her own meals, navigated big emotions alone, and learned early not to need anyone.

Her story echoed my own in powerful and unexpected ways. I was raised by a single mother with a powerful presence in the world of journalism. She was driven, successful, and incredibly hardworking. And she loved me. But love doesn’t always come in the form of emotional availability.

As an only child, I became highly self-sufficient. I made my own meals, tucked myself in, and learned that being independent was not just useful—it was necessary. There wasn’t a lot of space for my feelings. So I learned to keep them in.

That kind of upbringing leaves invisible imprints. As an adult—and especially as a parent—I had to work to unlearn the story that my needs were too much. Sometimes that meant overextending myself to be emotionally available in ways I had never experienced. Other times, I noticed myself emotionally checking out, even when I didn’t want to. Parenting invited me to rewire my own blueprint, to become the nurturer I didn’t grow up with.

Trina, like me, wanted something radically different for her children. Coaching gave her the space to grieve that absence and to create a new legacy of presence, connection, and warmth with her daughter. “I didn’t know what nurturing looked like,” she told me. “But now I’m learning and offering it to both of us.”

Impact on Children:

• Attachment issues
• Poor academic and social outcomes
• Difficulty trusting others
• Increased likelihood of risky behaviors

How Parent Coaching Helps You Find the Right Balance

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, but it can come with support. And it needs to, because most of us don’t parent from one style consistently. We might lean towards authoritative on good days, offering warmth and structure with confidence, but find ourselves snapping into authoritarian tones when we’re tired, overwhelmed, or triggered.

Other times, we swing into permissiveness, especially when guilt creeps in or when we’re desperate to keep the peace. And when we’re completely depleted, we might even detach altogether, slipping into unintentional emotional absence.

These shifts are normal. They don’t make us bad parents. They make us human. But they do highlight something essential: we can’t expect consistency in our parenting until we bring awareness to the patterns that drive our behavior.

Every parenting style we slip into is an attempt to meet an unmet need—ours or our child’s. Maybe it’s the need for control, peace, validation, rest, or connection. The problem arises when we parent from autopilot rather than intention.

That’s where coaching becomes transformative. Coaching helps illuminate these unconscious shifts so we can pause, reflect, and choose a different way. It offers a space to unpack what drives our reactivity, what fuels our inconsistencies, and what keeps us from parenting the way we truly want to.

Through coaching, we learn that conscious parenting isn’t a fixed destination. It’s a daily practice. It’s about learning new tools, trying them out, and integrating them into our nervous system, our mindset, and our relationships over time.

In this way, coaching doesn’t just change how we show up with our kids. It changes how we relate to our own inner child, how we respond to stress, and how we lead our families with steadiness instead of striving. We move from reacting to our past to creating our future, with our children and for ourselves.

Real-Life Coaching Impact

When I first met a parent named Alina, she was overwhelmed. She loved her two kids fiercely but felt like she was failing. “I’m either yelling or giving in,” she confessed. She didn’t know another way.

Through coaching, Alina began to explore her own childhood, where love was conditional and emotions were ignored. No wonder she struggled to hold boundaries and validate her kids’ big feelings.

Each week, we practiced new tools—naming emotions, setting consistent expectations, holding space without fixing. One night, after her son had a meltdown about homework, Alina told me, “I didn’t yell. I just sat next to him and said, ‘You’re frustrated. I get it. I’m here.’ He calmed down. I didn’t think that was possible.”

That’s the power of coaching: creating space to heal your story so you can write a new one with your kids.

Practical Steps to Adopt a Healthy Parenting Style

Parenting with intention is a journey. Here are tangible, story-backed steps that help you walk toward a more balanced and connected approach:

1. Reflect on Your Parenting Beliefs

I often invite clients to write a letter to their younger selves. What did you need to hear when you were angry, scared, or misunderstood? Now imagine saying that to your child in the heat of a difficult moment. That’s reparenting. That’s healing in action.

2. Increase Emotional Awareness

One night, Charlotte refused to do the dishes. I felt a spark of rage. It had been a long day. But instead of snapping, I paused and noticed: I was exhausted. That pause gave me just enough space to say, “I’m feeling really worn out, and I need help. Can we do this together?”

That choice didn’t just prevent an argument. It strengthened our bond.

3. Set Clear Expectations and Boundaries

Myles and I once made a “Family Agreement” chart together. It wasn’t a list of rules—it was a shared vision: how we want to feel at home. He added, “Talk to each other with kindness, even when we’re mad.” It’s still taped to the fridge.

4. Validate Feelings, Not All Behavior

When Charlotte slammed her door after a fight with her brother, I knocked gently a few minutes later. “Sounds like you’re really upset. I’m here when you’re ready.” Later, we talked it through and she said, “Thanks for not yelling. That helped.”

5. Repair When You Mess Up

There was a day I lost it. I yelled over something small, then immediately felt the shame wash in. I walked into Myles’s room and said, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t okay. I was frustrated, but that’s no excuse. You didn’t deserve that.” His response? A hug. Repair is sacred.

6. Seek Feedback from Trusted Sources

Joining a parent coaching circle changed everything for one mom I worked with. “I realized I wasn’t alone,” she said. “And that gave me the courage to try new things.” Community offers both accountability and grace.

How a Parent Coach Can Help You Transform Your Parenting Approach

Parent coaching isn’t prescriptive—it’s deeply personal. Coaches don’t hand you a script; they walk beside you as you find your voice. Our coaches at the Jai Institute for Parenting are trained to support the whole parent, not just the behaviors, but the beliefs, the history, the nervous system patterns, and the evolving needs of both parent and child.

1. Personalized Assessment

When I coach, I often begin with a story. “Tell me about a recent hard moment.” In those stories, we find the breadcrumbs: what triggered the reaction, what old belief was activated, what opportunity was missed. Then, we gently reweave it.

Our coaches help parents understand their default style—not to judge it, but to trace its roots and unpack what it was trying to protect. This understanding becomes the starting point for sustainable change.

2. Goal Setting

One client came to me saying, “I just want to stop yelling.” But through our work, that goal expanded into, “I want to create a home where my kids feel safe telling me anything.”

With a coach’s support, goals become deeper and more expansive. They shift from surface-level fixes to aligned intentions that reflect the kind of relationship you truly want to cultivate.

3. Real-Time Problem Solving

From grocery store meltdowns to teen backtalk, we unpack moments and rehearse new ones. One dad texted after a hard bedtime: “I tried what we talked about. I stayed calm. And she actually fell asleep in my arms. First time in months.”

Parenting isn’t static. A healthy parenting style is flexible, responsive, and attuned to both the moment and the child in front of you. Our coaches teach you how to adapt with intention—how to choose presence over pattern, how to respond to your child’s current developmental needs, and how to evolve your approach as your child grows.

4. Emotional Support

Parenting touches every nerve. Coaches hold space for grief, rage, guilt, and hope. You don’t have to navigate it alone. Our coaches are trained to meet you where you are—with compassion and without judgment—so you can meet your children with that same grace.

5. Long-Term Growth

Parent coaching doesn’t just make you a better parent. It makes you a more grounded, whole human being. One mom said, “I’m showing up differently everywhere—work, marriage, friendships. It started with parenting, but it’s changing my life.”

This is the heart of what we do at Jai. We don’t teach rigid methods. We guide parents to develop the inner awareness, leadership, and emotional resilience needed to parent with consistency and flexibility.

Because the most powerful parenting style is the one that’s chosen with consciousness and adapted with love. Parent coaching doesn’t just make you a better parent. It makes you a more grounded, whole human being. 

At the Jai Institute for Parenting, we believe transformation starts with presence. It starts with saying, “I want to do better—not just for my children, but for me.”

Because when we grow, they grow. And that’s how generational healing begins.

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.