All About Punishments: What you need to know to break the cycle

Tasneem Abdelhamid • August 10, 2025

If you grew up with punishment as a go-to response to mistakes or misbehavior, you’re not alone. In fact, for most of us, it was simply “normal.” Punishment was woven into the way discipline was understood and practiced across cultures and generations.

But here’s the thing: when we become parents ourselves, it’s worth pausing to reflect on those patterns. Not with guilt. Not with shame. Just with curiosity and compassion. What were we taught? What did we internalize? And are those beliefs still serving us, or our children, today?

Let’s take a gentle, honest look at the roots of punishment in parenting, and explore what might be possible when we lead with understanding instead

Why Do We Punish Our Children?

To answer this question, we must begin with the intention of openness and honesty. An intention to be vulnerable and a willingness to accept that we all mess up and that it is never too late to make amends.

The reason we unconsciously resort to punishments is multifaceted:

Cultural conditioning:

I remember having to always take our shoes off before entering our house. It wasn’t something we discussed or questioned; it was just the rule. Now that I am married and have my own children, I’ve found myself enforcing the same rule automatically.

The same applies to punishments. I was raised in a household where obedience was valued above all else, and punishments were seen as the most effective means of discipline. I never really stopped to question why until I became a mom. Now, I catch myself mirroring the tone or words my mom used with me, and it feels scary. This is the unlearning work I’m doing, one day at a time.

Desire for control:

Let’s agree that parenting can be very stressful at times, and while we all have this desire for endless patience, more often than not, we are drained and are looking for quick fixes with instant results. I’ve had those days, too many of them, where I’m exhausted, the baby is crying, my 5-year-old is throwing a tantrum, and I just want some silence.

In those moments, punishment feels like an easy button. But every time I give in to that urge, I see it in their eyes: fear, confusion, withdrawal. That’s not the kind of connection I want with my children.

Fear-based parenting:

When it comes to parenting, there are a lot of fears that will inevitably take control. I often fear that if I don’t “correct” their behavior right away, they’ll turn out to be disrespectful or spoiled.

But then I remember how small I used to feel when I was sent to my room or told I was “too much” or “not enough.” I don’t want my children to grow up fearing me. I want them to feel safe with me, even when they mess up.

Lack of alternatives:

I didn’t grow up being emotionally coached or having my feelings validated. When my son was 2 years old and started having tantrums, I would freeze. Sometimes, the only way I knew how to handle a situation was to yell or punish.

Honestly speaking, punishments come in handy in these situations. You get a tool that seems to be very effective, even if you do not necessarily like the methodology.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t aware of the consequences of yelling and punishments until I joined Jai.

Punishment vs. discipline:

As we mentioned before, discipline and punishment seem to be two sides of the same coin. However, at Jai, we believe (and research supports this) that punishments, regardless of their form, are more harmful than effective.

Punishments are primarily about control and retribution, whereas discipline focuses on teaching and guiding without overlooking a child’s needs.

The Effects of Punishment on Adults (and Why That Matters)

Many of us who were often punished as children have harnessed certain patterns and internal beliefs that have a profound effect on how we parent today. Let’s agree that our brain will do everything in its power to protect us from harm, but unfortunately, sometimes these attempts are accomplished through coping mechanisms that can have a negative impact on us. Yes, they fulfill their purpose, but they do not serve us.

Cycle of shame and guilt:
I still struggle with this. I remember getting scolded for things like forgetting to bring something to school or accidentally spilling juice on the couch. Instead of being comforted or helped, I was made to feel ashamed. As an adult, that shame lives on in the way I speak to myself. And sometimes, heartbreakingly, in the way I speak to my children when I’m not conscious. It’s something I’m working hard to break.

Our parents' reactions to our shortcomings were a crucial factor in shaping our understanding of life. Many adults carry internalized shame and guilt from childhood punishments, leaving them feeling that they are not allowed to make any mistakes and that they are meant to be nothing less than perfect.

Disconnection from emotions:
There was a time in my life when I didn’t even know how to identify my feelings. Crying was a weakness. Anger was dangerous. Vulnerability? Unacceptable. I now see my kids going through big emotions, and I try to offer them what I never got: space to feel. It’s hard to give what you didn’t receive, but it’s not impossible.

Dissociation is another coping mechanism that the human brain appears to excel at. Our brain will do anything to protect us from pain (including emotional pain), so by the time we learn to bury emotions, suppress anger, silence sadness, and avoid vulnerability.

Struggles with authority:
I was an obedient child. I did what I was told. But deep down, I resented it. And that resentment didn’t disappear. It shows up now when someone tries to “tell me what to do,” even if it’s helpful. I want my children to grow up feeling safe enough to speak up, ask questions, and express themselves without fear of punishment or rejection.

A very common side effect of punishments on adults is a struggle with authority figures. The effect is on either extreme side of the spectrum: complete submission or utter rebellion.

Impacts on parenting:
This is where it hits the hardest. I swore I’d never parent like my mom did. And yet sometimes I find myself saying the same phrases, using the same tone, or threatening the same consequences. It’s like muscle memory. But I remind myself daily: I am not her. I can choose differently. I can repair. I can learn.

As adults, we often repeat what was modeled to us, even if we hated it and swore millions of times we would not do the same with our children.

*Fun fact: According to Dr. Bruce Lipton, around 95% of brain activity is unconscious, meaning it's not directly under our conscious control.

That’s why, at Jai, we take the time and make the effort to address our childhood narratives and limiting beliefs, offering ourselves the space and support we need to develop new beliefs that serve us and our families gradually.

How Punishment Affects Children from a Very Young Age

Brain development:
Imagine living your whole childhood navigating a minefield. If you were often punished as a child, you will understand what it feels like to constantly try to avoid punishments. The stress of the punishment itself and the attempt to avoid it altogether activate stress pathways in the brain (fight, flight, or freeze), inhibiting healthy brain development in children.

I remember growing up always on edge, walking on eggshells, trying not to “mess up.” It’s only now, through learning about the nervous system and child development, that I understand I was in a constant state of fight-or-flight. I see this now in my 5-year-old when he hears my voice get too sharp, he shuts down. That’s my cue to pause, breathe, and try again.

Attachment and trust:
A child is innately craving love and connection from their primary caregivers. Repeated punishment can erode the child's sense of safety and secure connection, and in the long run, teach them that they are only loved under certain conditions.

My deepest childhood wound is that I had to earn love. That if I weren’t obedient, respectful, or quiet enough, love would be withdrawn. That’s not the legacy I want to pass on. I want my children to know they are loved, always, especially when they make mistakes.

Self-image:
A very familiar companion of punishment is the diminished self-worth of a child after being constantly labeled as “bad,” “naughty,” or “difficult,” and being treated as worthy of punishment rather than compassion.

Being called “too sensitive” or “too much” shaped how I saw myself. I now try to be mindful not to label my kids. It’s not easy. But when my son is having a tough day, I try to say, “You’re having a hard time, and I’m here to help,” instead of “Why are you being so difficult?”

Long-term behavioral outcomes:
Children are inherently intelligent and will always do their best with the knowledge they have. If we do not patiently guide our children and help them navigate undesired behaviors, they will only learn how to get better at avoiding punishment rather than learn why a behavior is harmful.

I became a great rule-follower. Not because I understood the rules, but because I feared the consequences. My goal now is for my kids to understand the “why,” not just obey because they’re scared of me.

10 Healthier Alternatives to Punishment

Each of these alternatives has been a game-changer for me. Not because I’ve mastered them, but because they’ve given me a path back to connection when I feel lost.

Natural Consequences
Let’s talk about real-life examples. If you are at a restaurant and your child forgets his toy there and only remembers after going home, a natural consequence would be that his toy is lost.

Your role at this point is to comfort him and say something like: “I understand you are upset, you really liked this truck, I am here for you. What can we do next time to make sure we don’t lose our toys?”

In this moment, it would hardly be helpful to lecture or tell him, “I told you this would happen, but you never listen!” Allow your child to make mistakes and face the consequences while providing the emotional guidance and the knowledge he needs to make better choices in the future.
Logical Consequences
Logical consequences often stem from family values. For example, “In our family, we do not throw away food”. If your child refuses to eat his meal, a logical consequence would be to finish his food at the next meal.

Your response may be something like: “I understand you really wanted to try the pizza I made, you can have a slice after you finish the rest of your food. We don’t want to waste good food.”

Denying our children food or sending them to a time-out will hardly teach them the value of food, but it will build resentment inside of them and make them internalize low self-worth and a feeling of oppression.
Emotion Coaching
My 2-year-old had a massive meltdown over banana slices the other day. Old me would’ve snapped. But I sat down, held her close, and just said, “You really didn’t want them cut, huh? That’s hard.” She calmed down so much faster than I expected. Many of us have exceptional experience with tantrums, and often, it can feel overwhelming to deal with them.

We feel the need to stop the meltdown and achieve instant obedience immediately. Releasing the pressure of having to control or fix their emotions allows us to be present and acknowledge our child’s feelings, guiding them through emotional regulation and modeling calm responses.
Time-In vs. Time-Out
When my 5-year-old gets loud or aggressive, instead of sending him to his room, we pause together, and I ask, “Do you want to stay with me, or do you want space?” He almost always chooses to sit with me. Those moments have become our repair rituals.

Our children, especially at a young age, borrow our nervous system to regulate. We call this co-regulation. That’s why time-outs are hardly beneficial and will leave your child sad, confused, and unguided. Replacing time-outs with time-ins can help us guide our children back into a regulated state where they are able to process information and reflect on their actions.
Connection Before Correction
Being able to connect with your child before opening a discussion about the mistakes they made prioritizes your relationship before addressing the behavior. A connected child will be far more cooperative than a child who feels scared or threatened.

Connection has the ability to calm your child’s nervous system, making it easier for him to listen and learn. One way is to get down to eye level, offer a hug or gentle touch, then address the issue: “I know you were upset when your brother took your toy, and we do not use our hands for hitting. Let’s talk about what we can do next time.”
Offer Choices Within Boundaries
I never had choices growing up. It was “my way or the highway.” Now, even something as small as “Do you want the blue socks or the red ones?” gives my kids a sense of control and reduces resistance so much.

Empowering children by offering limited, age-appropriate choices instead of commands opens up a gateway where you can offer freedom for your child while holding clear boundaries.

This safe space provides your child with an opportunity to develop autonomy in a secure environment while also reducing power struggles. We all know how bedtime can be a struggle, but instead of punishing your child and taking away screentime for not being cooperative, you can invite cooperation by offering choices.

Some children might still resist even after offering choices, that’s completely normal due to many reasons (child is tired, dysregulated, distracted, need for autonomy, etc.), and this is where you get the chance to practice other alternatives for punishments.
Use Playful Redirection
When my daughter starts climbing furniture, I now say, “Let’s play mountain climbers on the floor pillows!” It’s not always perfect, but it works way more often than yelling ever did.

Redirecting undesirable behavior in a fun, engaging way instead of reacting harshly. It requires a lot of effort on our behalf as parents, especially at the beginning when we are still trying to train our minds to respond playfully instead of harshly.

Young children respond better to play than lectures. It diffuses tension and encourages cooperation, and to be honest, it softens a lot of the tension that can arise in these situations.
Collaborative Problem Solving
Involving the child in finding solutions to recurring issues instead of taking punitive measures can foster mutual respect and teach your child conflict resolution.

We recently made a “solutions list” after my son kept hitting when he got upset. We drew pictures of ideas—stomping feet, squeezing a pillow, yelling into a cushion. Now, when he’s upset, he sometimes runs to the list himself.

Children might not always have the resources to come up with solutions, but when we have an honest, open, respectful discussion with them about our concerns, we train them to harness an array of skills, from conflict resolution to problem-solving to communication.
Modeling Behavior
Children learn much more from what we do than what we say. When we show respect, say sorry, and stay calm under stress, we’re showing them how to respond in similar situations.

Children imitate our regulation more than our instructions, and while we can spend long hours lecturing them on how to handle certain situations, if our actions do not align with our words, then the gap will continue to exist.

I say “sorry” a lot now, not just for them, but for me. I want them to see that grown-ups make mistakes and own them, too.
Repair, Not Revenge
Teach children to make amends rather than “pay” for what they did. If your child breaks a toy out of anger, help them write a note, offer a hug, or save money to replace it.

This method focuses on empathy, responsibility, and finding solutions that actually work, rather than internalizing shame and feelings of worthlessness.

Now, when a toy gets broken or someone gets hurt, we pause and ask, “What can we do to help?” It’s become our family language for repair.

Understanding that punishment is merely a tool, not a necessity, can help you embrace alternative methods to raise disciplined, accountable, and emotionally secure children.

And remember, you are not a bad parent if you still punish your children; you are here at the end of this article trying to learn better ways to guide them through life.

The shift in your parenting WILL NOT happen overnight; however, knowledge can empower you to slowly and consistently take active steps towards changing how you approach mistakes with your children.

This is the work we are doing. With a lot of tears, a lot of learning, and a whole lot of grace. We’re all just trying to break the cycle—one gentle choice at a time.

“When we know better, we do better.” – Maya Angelou

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Meet Your Author, Tasneem Abdelhamid

Tasneem is a Jai Certified Parent Coach, Design Manager, and writer for the Jai Institute for Parenting. As a mom of two little ones, she travels the world through her designs and writing. Nothing brings her joy more than spending time with her family and knowing that she is changing the world one parenting moment at a time.