I used to think I could be a perfect parent.

Obviously that was before I actually had any kids.

I was admittedly idealistic, and I truly believed that if I could read the right books, follow the right experts, and hone my instincts then I could be the perfect parent I envisioned.

Naturally, I have come to learn that a “perfect parent” is as mythical as a unicorn.

In fact, using parent as a noun is so limited and constrained that it’s easy to fall into the trap of being a certain type of one. Are you going to be a calm parent, involved parent, in-charge parent, natural parent, positive parent, fun parent, laid-back parent, or simply a surviving parent? The problem is that none of us can define ourselves in this concrete, one-dimensional way.

We are human, parenting other humans, and that automatically puts us in the realm of changing, evolving, adapting beings.

Through my own experience as a mother, and even more so through my training as a parent coach, I have realized that viewing the whole parent “thing” as a verb, as a process, is more realistic and fulfilling.

Now I get to decide how I parent, which means I get to choose my actions, my words, my boundaries, my values, and my beliefs. I am not simply being this type of parent or that type; I am constantly learning, listening, reflecting, and growing. This gives me the freedom to parent today differently than I did yesterday; to parent my daughter differently than my son; to parent my preschooler differently than I parented my baby.

The act of parenting is one of adaptation because it’s navigating a relationship between two people who are constantly changing.

I want to differentiate these perspectives because my whole purpose in being a parent coach is to help other parents open their hearts to the endless possibilities of how they choose to parent. I want to help them get unstuck from past assumptions or patterns, to release them from their baggage, and to let them feel the joy of owning their parenting experience.

The journey I travel with other parents, the one I am still traveling every day, is one of discovery and reflection. As Daniel J. Siegel says, “When we begin to know ourselves in an open and self-supportive way, we take the first step to encourage our children to know themselves.”

Parenting means being a leader and a role model in your family, setting the framework for how you relate to each other. Parenting means knowing yourself as an individual and enabling your children to know themselves as individuals too.