Their relationships with their kids are often painful.

Everyone warned us about the 'toddler' years.

Everyone warned us about 'teenagers.'

And when I heard those predictable predictions, I thought ...

"Nah ... I'm just not going to even entertain that storyline."

So, here's what I noticed growing up.

A lot of parents love their kids, AND are also

- rude to them

- condescending

- bossy

- nosey

- embarrassing

- nagging

- some are violent

All justified as parental love ... and no doubt most of these behaviors are based in love ... and yet these parents wouldn't get very far treating another adult this way.

In fact, if anyone else treated them this way, they wouldn't like it.

In fact, I've seen the very same parents who drive their children to tantrums and then discipline them for having a tantrum ... go ahead and have a tantrum themselves when someone tells them what to do.

Growing up ... I saw this hypocrisy everywhere.

The very first vow I made at age 14, after receiving the strap from my Father, was that I would NEVER lay a violent hand – or strap – on my children.

And in almost 18 years of parenting, we have never even had the urge to use punishments like that.

The other vow I made was that if I ever treated my kids in a way that I wouldn't like to be treated ... that I would promptly apologize and ask their forgiveness ...

... and I have had many opportunities to do just that.

"How can we expect our kids to take responsibility for their actions, when we don't take responsibility for ours" I thought to myself?

If I diminish or discourage or pester or pry or aggravate my kids through my words or actions and I don't own up to it and do better ... then how can I expect them to trust me and learn how to do the same.

In about 2011 or so ... Harley was 8 and Lara was 5 ... we decided to complete a course on 'Parent Coaching' with The Jai Institute for Parenting based in the US.

We didn't want to become Parent Coaches ... we just wanted to go through the curriculum to learn the neuroscience of parenting and the brain development of babies, young children, and teenagers.

It was a commitment as the classes were live online and were at either 4AM or 5AM our time ... and yes, Rhoda and I sat on our lounge to go through it together.

It was at the time we learned how to remove punishments from our parenting and shift entirely to discussions.

And it's never been better.

No threats. 

No more ... "If you do that one more time I'll XYZ"

You can't threaten your friends or co-workers with taking away their favorite toy ... well you can, but you'll soon lose friends ... so why threaten your kids like that?  At least that's what I thought about it.

So, back to the guy in the store ... and anyone else like him ... I can no longer relate to that story.

When it comes to my kids ... there is no eye-rolling, there is no "you know how it is" chatter.

They confide in us their greatest fears and most audacious goals.

And rather than thinking that our parenting 'molded them' into who they are ...

... it's crystal clear to me that our parenting simply gave them the space to become who they are without diminishing them, and by treating them the same way we like to be treated.

And on reflection, I think one of the most significant things I've done as a Dad is to apologize when I f up ... and to never let one of those instances go past without doing that.

No smacking was an easy one for me ... made that decision at 14.

No "punishments" was also easy once I got my head around it ... and then wondered why it had never occurred to me before.

And yet it doesn't occur to us because we get trapped in the typical storyline ... and at least for me, I simply rejected that storyline and decided that my story was going to be different.

Peace ✌️