I first learned the Head, Heart & Hands principles through my parent coaching work with the Jai Institute. I continue to deepen my appreciation for this work through reading books by Daniel Siegal, Tina Payne Bryson, & Mona Delahooke. 

Jai’s 10 Head, Heart & Hands Principles, inspired by Rudolf Steiner in the Waldorf Pedagogy and adapted for Jai’s peaceful parenting method, offer a “Head, Heart, Hands” framework which is also perfectly aligned with the Montessori framework!

In Waldorf Pedagogy, the whole child is held in their development. How can the child’s will, the embodiment of skills, and groundedness in self be nurtured? How does a child best develop emotionally and creatively? How does a child’s mind develop curiosity, contemplation, and insight? 

Similarly, with parents and clients, we are not just centering the development of their skills but also their emotional intelligence and psychological wisdom.

In Montessori, the child’s whole development is nurtured as well. Montessorians guide children to develop their intellect & curiosity through real and purposeful materials that allow for exploration (Head); children’s empathy & compassion are fostered through Montessori’s multi-age curriculum and expectations, in which the child is often the teacher (Heart); through multi-sensory, hands-on learning, brain-body connections are fostered while the children gain independence and care of their environments through being in community with others (Hands). 

I love how these same principles guide us adults to parent with OUR whole selves as well, from our Head, Heart, and Hands! 

I have summarized the 10 Head, Heart & Hands Principles from Jai’s parent coach training below to serve as a guide for parents on this amazing (and exhausting) journey! 

Parenting from the Head

1. Being informed and aware

One aspect of being informed and aware is knowing what developmentally appropriate expectations are for your child. Sometimes, we may expect too much from our five-year-old because we are comparing them to their three-year-old sibling. Other times, we may underestimate how capable our two-year-old child is – they may be having tantrums because they want to do things for themselves that we may think they cannot do (or we don’t let them try because it might get messy)!

Another key aspect of being informed and aware is understanding our own “activators” – asking ourselves, “What seems to really upset me and why?” The more aware we are of what “activates” our fight/flight stress response system, the more we can try to name our emotions and respond to them in more productive ways. Finally, having the knowledge and understanding of parenting patterns and becoming more aware of our default patterns will help us make shifts toward breaking negative pattern cycles. This awareness will help us shift to patterns that will better serve us (and our children)!  Awareness is half the battle!

2. Intentional and Reflective

Once we have more information and awareness, we can be more intentional and reflective with this growing knowledge. We can start intentionally disrupting patterns because we are more aware of them and reflect on the growth (and setbacks) that will be a part of this process. Changing generational patterns is going to take time and conscious effort to make even subtle shifts. The more we set small, actionable, and measurable goals, the more we can assess our progress. This allows us to then be more proactive as we try to get ahead of the behavior we are trying to change!

3. Commitment to Growth

As mentioned above, growth is a process, and there will be setbacks on this journey! It’s totally normal and to be expected. It's important to keep trying. Try your best not to fall into a shame and guilt spiral when setbacks happen. Give yourself grace, compassion, and forgiveness (what we would offer someone else if they made a mistake), and recommit to doing better next time! You will get there! 

Parenting from the Heart

4. All Feelings Are Valid and Welcome

When we parent from the heart, we are building empathy. When our children have big feelings, we respect those feelings by validating them – it’s okay for them to feel angry, sad, and disappointed – without fear of us judging or shaming them for their big feelings. It’s not our job to fix or change their feelings, but it is our job to simply hold space for them and allow them to be felt. We can establish boundaries on what is or is not okay about how we express our feelings (i.e., it’s okay to cry, but it is not okay to hit your brother). More on this in the 9th principle! 

5. Attunement

When we “tune in” to our child’s feelings, we actively listen and show respect for the process of navigating big feelings. Children often are not able to explain why they are feeling a certain way. We can help by simply listening, or if they are ready, we can take “empathy guesses” to help them better understand their feelings and work through them. 

6. Kindness, Acceptance, & Forgiveness

Our child’s big feelings may stir up all kinds of emotions and feelings within us; try and remember, “My child is not trying to give me a hard time; my child is going through a hard time.” If we can accept that their big feelings are not personal, we can better respond with kindness and forgiveness because we know the child is in “fight or flight” mode. If we do get “activated” by their big emotions (usually because our own “fight or flight” system has taken over) – we give ourselves grace, compassion, & forgiveness if we have a setback (two steps forward, one step back is still progress)! 

Parenting from the Hands

7. Connecting Before Correcting

When our child is in their big feelings, it’s not the time to tell them what they could have done differently, nor is it the time to offer solutions (not yet)! If we start offering our “how to correct it” advice while they are still in their emotional dysregulation, they are not able to process this and will usually go into more defensiveness. Instead, find a way to connect with them through an action to help them move toward regulating their emotions. This action might be offering a hug, a glass of water, a snack, or a back rub. You are offering a way to help them towards calmness first so they can then be ready and able to move to the next step of resolution. 

8. Commitment to Safety

The “hands” of parenting should always be gentle.  If you are activated and ready to “fight or flight,” – choose flight – walk away, cool down, and come back to repair. You never want to hurt your child physically, verbally, or emotionally. If you feel like you may lash out with rage or might physically be too rough – make sure the child is safe and take a few minutes to walk away and work towards regulating your own emotions (drink water, take deep breaths, splash cold water on your face). If you make a mistake, repair it by apologizing and committing to doing better – talk about what this may look like so you are holding yourself accountable to your own words. 

9. Boundaries & Values

It’s important to set boundaries that are grounded in our values. As mentioned above, “hitting” goes against the value of respect. We set the boundaries based on our values. Your family’s values should be discussed and reflected on through family meetings. When values are discussed with clarity and when we uphold them consistently through clear boundaries and expectations, we are giving our children the safety, love, and security they deserve. 

10. Play!

The last principle here is a reminder to create moments of JOY both together with your family and for yourself! When you can create playful opportunities with your children, such as dancing while preparing dinner, singing in the car, or a family game night, you are putting “healthy deposits in the emotional bank” – when they need to make a withdrawal, they are not depleted! Same goes for us as adults – what do you do that brings you joy? Yoga? Creating with your hands? Nature walks? Carve out the time to fill your reserves, too. You will not feel so depleted when you need to dip into them to gain control over your activators! 

Meet Your Author, Reena Vohra Morgan

Reena Vohra Morgan is a Montessori Consultant & Coach and founder of HIVE. She has over 20 years of experience as a Montessori teacher & school administrator. Reena holds a Master’s Degree in Childhood Development from the Erikson Institute, Chicago. She holds both AMS & AMI Primary Montessori Certifications and is a Jai Certified Parenting Coach. Reena is a Montessori teacher trainer with MRC (Montessori Residency of Chicago) and is the Board President of AIMS (Association of Illinois Montessori Schools). 

In combination with theoretical knowledge, practical experience, & compassion, Reena uses an evidenced–based, reflective approach to guide and empower educators and parents. She offers concrete strategies, tools, and manageable action plans to “help adults, help children.” Reena resides in the city of Chicago with her husband, 3 uniquely wonderful daughters, 2 cats, & 1 dog!