Frustration arises when something is blocking us from our desires or goals. This can be as simple as feeling frustrated when your child keeps calling you back for another kiss goodnight when you want to get into your own bed.

It could be on a larger scale, like the frustration of recognizing your child’s heightened sensory needs and declining every invitation to a birthday party because you know that environment would cause them stress.

Like most emotions, frustration will come in waves. It will feel powerful and strong for some time, and it will eventually recede and wash away. Learning how to ride out those waves is a skill you can develop, whether the frustration lasts for minutes or much longer. 

Frustration could arise from a variety of unmet needs: understanding, equity, stability, and ease just to name a few. Taking the first steps of recognizing the emotion and linking it to any needs that you have at the moment will grant you some relief.

The Root Cause of Frustration is Overwhelm

Feeling overwhelmed as a parent is a more intense indicator that important needs are going unmet, or that some needs are going chronically unmet. You may recognize this feeling when you notice yourself becoming short-tempered and impatient, irritable and even angry enough that you could scream. 

Feeling overwhelmed can also shift your thoughts and focus on everything wrong or lacking in your life. This overwhelm can manifest in your body as a headache, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, or lack of energy. All of these symptoms and experiences again come from unmet needs. Any lack of appreciation, communication, security, trust, or autonomy could lead to a feeling of overwhelm. 

It’s no surprise that parents frequently feel overwhelmed so often, especially if one parent has the role of primary caregiver for all the children. One person alone cannot meet needs which are based on connection; you must get support from others in order to avoid becoming an overwhelmed parent.

I invite you to remember this key component of all emotions: they are messengers. You cannot force emotions to go away. When you ignore, avoid, or attempt to fix emotions they will come back bigger and stronger until you receive the message.

As a parenting coach, the first step I share with my clients to overcome parental guilt, dealing with frustration, or climbing out of overwhelm is to acknowledge the feeling. It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and often painful to tune into these emotions. Allowing the emotions is also the healthiest and most efficient way to move through them to a new experience. 

Once we allow ourselves to feel these emotions, and we recognize that we have unmet needs underneath them, what do we do next? We do the necessary and difficult work of self-reflection and taking action.

Our Internal Systems Are Wired Against Change

Before we jump into different solutions it’s critical to recognize that our internal systems are wired against change, even if that change helps us. This is why the work we do as parenting coaches is so essential. Change is nearly impossible without support and accountability.

When you make a conscious decision to do something differently in your life, be prepared for every part of you (body, mind, conscious, subconscious) to resist or reject your experience. Then keep going.

Since guilt is directly related to our perception of our own actions, let’s start there. 

It’s no surprise that guilty parent syndrome is so common. We get trapped by our perceptions because we misinterpret them as truths. How many times have you told yourself, “I should be doing this,” or “I shouldn’t be doing that?” The word “should” is a giant red flag that you are comparing yourself to some outside expectation, even if it’s your own. 

Let that “should” go. Release it. Send it away. Then replace it with one of these and see how it changes your perception of that action: “I can…,” “I get to…,” or “I choose…”

Let’s create some guilt-free translations:

• I should read more books to my kids. >> I can read more books to my kids.
• I should cook a healthy dinner. >> I get to cook a healthy dinner.
• I should be more patient. >> I choose to be more patient.

Start noticing when the “shoulds” come into your thinking, and identify them as signs of guilty parent syndrome. Welcome them in as an opportunity to reflect, and play around with “can, get to, or choose” and see what happens.

You get to make the choices in your life. There’s nothing you should or shouldn’t do unless you choose to for your family.

Take a Moment for Self-Forgiveness

Let’s consider the pain of holding on to feelings about things in the past. We cannot change the past. It is finished. How do we let go of those feelings? Through forgiveness. 

Jack Kornfield describes forgiveness as giving up all hope for a better past. We don’t forgive past actions to condone them; but we “let go of false illusions that we can change the past.”

Whatever you did (yelled at your child, let them watch too much Netflix, took away their car keys) or didn’t do (kept nursing, set up more playdates, let them have a phone) is in the past. You can only change the future. And yes, you really can change your future.

When you develop a simple self-forgiveness practice you begin to release the proverbial whip that you use to punish yourself through guilt. 

A self-forgiveness moment could be something like this: name what you perceive as your mistake, describe how you feel about it now, reflect on your unmet needs or unfulfilled desires, recognize the impact on your children, commit to your values and to making a different choice next time.

Finally, remind yourself that you deserve forgiveness. You are human. You are imperfect. You are learning as you go.

Here’s an example: Last night I shouted at my son to hurry up and brush his teeth. I felt embarrassed and sad that I lost my temper, and I realized I was holding on to stress from the day and I was super tired myself.

I saw how scared my son felt, and how he felt like he was doing something wrong.

I committed to calming myself before our bedtime routines and making connection a priority. I forgave myself and apologized to my son. I will learn and grow from this experience.

Another Powerful Way of Overcoming Parental Guilt is Self-Compassion

What does that look like? It’s simply giving yourself the same kindness and care you’d give to a good friend. 

When you are punishing yourself with guilt, imagine a close friend was in your situation. What words of kindness and reassurance would you give them? Offer yourself those same sentiments. 

The authors of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle assert that “being compassionate toward yourself… is both the least you can do and the single most important thing you can do to make the world a better place.” 

In order to show compassion, kindness, and loving tenderness to your children you must give it to yourself first.

It Starts with Self-Acceptance

Both of these practices (self-forgiveness and self-compassion) must come from within, which means you must take ownership of your process through self-acceptance. If you can’t accept that you are fallible, imperfect, and make mistakes, then how can you offer yourself any forgiveness? If you don’t accept that you are worthy, deserving, lovable, and loving, how can you give yourself any compassion?

One final solution to overcoming parental guilt, frustration, and overwhelm is to get support. I know, that’s easier said than done! There are a few angles to consider, and once you take a fresh perspective you might find unexpected opportunities to get more support. 

Many parents, and I’ll say especially mothers, hold beliefs around being able to do it all. If you fear looking like a failure, or you fear judgment for asking for help, then you certainly will not be in a position to receive it.

Women have been so conditioned from many sources, for many generations to give to others and sacrifice themselves, that it can be entirely out of the norm to ask for help. Try it out anyway.

While holding this belief of “I have to do it all, and do it on my own,” you might unintentionally, even subconsciously, reject offers of help.

Think back and notice any time that a friend, a neighbor, or extended family member has offered to lighten your load. Did you accept it graciously or brush it off and carry on by yourself? Start creating a new belief: “I deserve support and I am grateful for help that is offered to me.”

Getting support is not limited to the chores, tasks, and mundane activities of family life. We need support in the form of personal connection; relationships that nourish our souls.

This support could be a short text exchange for a quick laugh, a longer-than-usual hug at the end of the day, or a conversation with a special person that we trust with our most vulnerable feelings. 

As parents we are the leaders in our families, but we cannot thrive if we attempt to do it all on our own. We need meaningful connection through relationships so we can offer loving connection to our children.

What to do if feeling overwhelmed as a parent? To sum it all up: when you feel guilty, frustrated, or overwhelmed remember that emotions are messengers. 

You are not failing; you are not bad or wrong.

You are doing the best you can, and strong feelings serve as reminders to check in on how you are taking care of yourself. Forgive your mistakes. Ask for support. Or do what I did and become a Jai Certified Parenting Coach! There's no better path to personal growth for parents! (And I have my master's degree in early childhood education!)

Treat yourself with kindness. Invite and receive support from others around you. This is how you get past the common myths of parenting, and become the best parent you can be.