How to Raise Confident Kids

Dr. Calvina Ellerbe • July 3, 2024

The benefits of building self-confidence cannot be overlooked. Recent research has shown that confident individuals tend to succeed both socially and professionally (Orth and Robins, 2022).

When people think positively about themselves, they are more likely to adapt to difficult situations and manage stress, improving overall mental health. These findings provide important insights into why our self-image is important to our overall well-being.

Unfortunately, there is cause for concern as we have entered a confidence crisis. The experience of self-doubt, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence has become largely ubiquitous.

While people have gotten particularly skilled at presenting a desirable image of themselves through social media, very few people feel good about who they are when no one is watching. Even hearing a compliment can make many of us feel uncomfortable as we struggle to see the beauty in ourselves.

This issue seems to plague all of us, but there is a solution that can often be overlooked, and parents take center stage. Parents can be the resource that turns the tide for the next generation.

There are three main ways that parents can raise confident kids:

1. Be An Example of Confidence

I meet many parents who voice concerns about their child’s confidence. They often seem genuinely surprised that their children are struggling, especially since they tell their children how much they value them daily. The frustration parents are experiencing is understandable, but there is an awareness that many parents overlook. Children learn from what they see and experience more than what they hear. The best way to raise confident kids is not to constantly tell them to be confident but to model confidence.

As a parenting coach, I pay close attention to parents with the goal of looking for ways to improve their children’s lives. I often notice that the same parents who are concerned about their children’s confidence also struggle to be confident. I compliment people often, and many parents often qualify any compliment by pointing out something that is not good about themselves. I see them consistently talk about losing weight or not liking the way they look. Parents must be aware that children will develop their self-talk by listening to how their parents talk about themselves. Therefore, being a healed, self-loving parent will directly impact your child’s confidence.

2. Judge Children’s Behavior, Not Their Character

Children will present challenging behavior that frustrates parents. In those moments, it is imperative that parents avoid using words that suggest that the child is a problem or somehow deficient in their character. Words like manipulative, bad, hard-headed, rebellious, difficult, etc. should be avoided. These words are conclusions and leave little to no room for improvement or hope. Instead, choose words like overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, and needing connection, to describe children’s behavior to name a few. These words leave options for improvement and self-development.

This helps build our children’s confidence as they learn that their behavior does not define their character. They learn that they can be vulnerable without being judged.

3. Let Kids Make Mistakes!

Overparenting has largely become the norm. Parents struggle to allow children to figure things out without their constant input. The moment children seem bored, so many parents jump in to supply electronics or rush to fill the time for them. Watching our children struggle can feel like torture to many of us. Avoiding risks or discomfort for our children often sits at the forefront of our minds. Parents must realize that the ability to make mistakes and learn from them is part of the basic fabric of life.

When children are not allowed to make mistakes, they begin to think that they are not capable. While a parent's intention may be to minimize their child’s discomfort, the unintended consequence is that they often lack confidence that they can overcome uncomfortable situations throughout their lives.

I want to encourage parents to realize that for a child, making mistakes with you is the safest place in the world. Mistakes as a child often have fewer consequences than in adulthood. If they break an egg in the kitchen, everyone will live. If they struggle to write a paper, encourage them and let them keep trying. Let them struggle with boredom, and their creativity will develop.

Raising confident children will turn the tide on the lack of confidence epidemic that plagues many of us. While moments of questioning or self-evaluation are normal and even healthy, we can raise children who enjoy an overall sense of peace within themselves. Raising confident children is not only possible but likely when we follow these simple tips.

Meet Your Author, Dr. Calvina Ellerbe

Dr. Ellerbe is an award-winning educator, TEDx Speaker, writer, parenting expert, and soon-to-be mother of six children who provide practical insights for parents to develop a fulfilling parenting experience. Her life's mission is to help parents thrive. Her motto is "If we heal families, we will heal the world."

http://ellerbeessentials.com

Sources:

Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2022). Is high self-esteem beneficial? Revisiting a classic question. American Psychologist, 77(1), 5–17. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000922

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What’s Actually Happening Inside Your Child’s Developing Brain

By Maggie Pouplis • June 3, 2026

Almost every parent experiences this more than once. Your child changes, and suddenly, you feel like you no longer fully understand them. The toddler who melts down over the “wrong” cup. The once easygoing school-aged child who suddenly becomes more sensitive, withdrawn, or reactive. The teenager who pulls away just when you feel the strongest urge to protect them. And somewhere in those moments, most parents begin searching for explanations. “Something changed.” “Someone is influencing them.” “They’ve become difficult.” “Social media is ruining this generation.” As parents, we naturally try to make sense of behavior. We look for causes because uncertainty feels uncomfortable, especially when it involves someone we love so deeply. But many times, what changes first is not the child’s character. It is the child’s developing brain. One of the most important things I learned during my training with the Jai Institute for Parenting was that behavior cannot be fully understood outside the context of relationship, nervous system development, and emotional safety. That perspective stayed with me and eventually led me to dive even deeper into developmental neuroscience and brain development. Because once you begin to understand how the brain develops, it stops looking like defiance, manipulation, laziness, or attitude. The behavior begins to look like development. In the early years of life, especially between ages two and four, children experience emotions intensely while still lacking the neurological maturity to regulate them independently. The areas of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, planning, and perspective taking are still under construction. In other words, young children often feel enormous emotions inside very small nervous systems. This is why a toddler can completely fall apart because their banana broke in half or because you gave them the “wrong” spoon. To the adult brain, the reaction may seem dramatic. To the child’s nervous system, however, the distress is real. This does not mean children should grow up without boundaries . It means that in moments of emotional flooding, connection and regulation often need to come before teaching. As Dr. Daniel Siegel often explains, an overwhelmed brain cannot effectively access logic, learning, or problem-solving. The nervous system must first return to a state of safety before true learning can happen. This is where co-regulation becomes incredibly important. Children borrow our nervous systems long before they can consistently regulate themselves. They learn emotional regulation through repeated relational experiences with calm, connected adults. Of course, this does not mean parents must remain perfectly calm all the time. Parents are human beings with limits, stress, exhaustion, responsibilities, and their own nervous systems. What matters most is not perfection but repair, awareness, and the overall emotional climate of the relationship. As children move into the school-age years, something else begins to happen. Around ages five to seven, the social brain expands significantly. Children become increasingly aware of how others see them. Acceptance, belonging, comparison, fairness, and peer relationships begin carrying much more emotional weight. This is often the age when parents say things like: “They suddenly became more sensitive.” “They take everything personally now.” “They worry more than before.” And they are usually right. At this stage, children are not simply reacting emotionally. They are beginning to build a deeper social identity. Their brains are becoming more aware of social evaluation and emotional meaning within relationships. Then comes a stage I personally believe is one of the most misunderstood of all: roughly ages eight to ten. Many parents expect things to stabilize by this point. Instead, some children become quieter, more introspective, more emotionally reactive, or seemingly disconnected. Others become easily bored, frustrated, or emotionally overwhelmed. And naturally, adults begin creating narratives around those changes. “They’re lazy.” “They’ve changed.” “They don’t care anymore.” But very often, what we are witnessing is neurological reorganization rather than deterioration. During this period, the brain begins a major process called synaptic pruning. Neural connections that are not frequently used begin to weaken, while frequently used pathways become stronger and more efficient. At the same time, children develop more complex emotional awareness, deeper thinking, and a richer internal world. Many children at this age begin asking bigger questions about themselves, relationships, fairness, identity, and belonging, even if they cannot fully articulate those thoughts yet. Sometimes what adults interpret as withdrawal is actually cognitive and emotional expansion happening internally. And then adolescence arrives, perhaps the stage that activates the most fear in parents. Teenagers begin separating psychologically from their parents as part of healthy development. Their need for autonomy increases while the emotional and reward systems of the brain become highly sensitive. Peer relationships become deeply important, emotions intensify, and risk-taking often increases. To many parents, this can feel frightening or even personal. But adolescence is not a broken relationship. It is a developmental transition. Teenagers still need boundaries, guidance, and emotional safety. Perhaps more than ever. But they also need space to develop identity, autonomy, and a sense of self outside the parent-child dynamic. And maybe this is one of the biggest challenges of parenting today: learning how to remain emotionally available without trying to control every stage of development out of fear. Modern parenting often places enormous pressure on parents to react perfectly at every moment. But children do not need perfect parents. They need regulated enough adults who are willing to stay curious about what behavior may actually be communicating. Because many times, children are not trying to give us a hard time. They are trying to organize a developing brain and nervous system inside a very overstimulating world. And perhaps the question we need to ask more often is not “How do I stop this behavior?” , but “What might this developing brain be trying to communicate through it?”