A Different Perspective on Kids and Screens

Kiva Schuler • June 8, 2023

Full disclosure, Kristin Asadourian is my daughter’s life coach and specializes in working with teens on empowerment, communication, and emotional intelligence. When I tell you that my kid loves this woman… SHE LOVES THIS WOMAN.

In this guest post, Kristin helps us to get curious about the generational differences between our children’s relationship with screens and digital media and our own. The reality is that the digital world is here to stay. So having tools to explore how to work with what IS versus fighting against it can be a great way to minimize conflict, while still ensuring that boundaries are in place for safety and there are viable alternatives that we create for our kids to explore the world beyond screens.

You can find out more about Kristin and her work on her website: https://www.livingbecome.com

Does Boredom Still Exist?

Kristin Asadourian, MSW

I’d love for boredom to make a comeback similar to the one the flip phone is making. This may seem naïve and irresponsible with everything we are trying to accomplish in a day and how fast we move to accomplish these things. I acknowledge working, learning, parenting, self-care, and spending time with family and friends all feel like full-time endeavors.

Our brains are constantly going, so to slow them down to be in stillness and boredom is the antithesis of what society tells us life should be like. We live in a culture reliant on outside noise, which means we don’t have time to be bored. When our brains are full of noise, there’s less space for our brains to come up with new ideas.

This is greatly harming our children and us because, with the loss of boredom, we lose our individuality, creativity, and sense of adventure. We need to create more time to do less intentionally. For ourselves. And for our kids.

The Reality of A Digital World That Our Children Have Always Known?

When we are swept away by our devices and the messages, images, and games produced within the digital world, we are pulled from our unique thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

Adults view this as an “escape from reality” or time to turn off their brains and stop thinking about the events or feelings they experienced during the day.

Young people don’t view it in this manner. Rather, it is all seamless, and the physical and digital worlds they experience are all one ecosystem. There is no difference. It is all a part of their reality, and if you have young people in your life, whether they are your children or students, it is important to understand this. The digital world is not an escape; it is a reality that many do not know how to manage.

Generations Z and Alpha are growing up watching us use screens as we check our emails after work hours, catch up on the news or look into our friends’ lives on social media. We think we are harmlessly being efficient and catching up with the world around us, but they are watching and learning from us.

Gens Z and Alpha Only Know a World Reliant On Devices

Their behaviors are centered around their screens, and as a mom, I am often confused and frustrated with the amount of screen time my children absorb.

When I talk with my 14-year-old son about being on his phone, he doesn’t understand my concern. He doesn’t see how wasting hours playing a video game or tooling around on an app prevents him from doing things in the physical world. I try to negotiate with him to get him off his phone by suggesting physical world experiences.

I regularly offer time at the climbing gym when he finishes his homework. In doing this, I believe we are both being set up for success. I see it as he loves the climbing gym, and of course, he will complete his homework in enough time to climb. And I won’t have to nag him to do his homework all evening. A brilliant win/win, right?

Nope, rather, he comes home, spends an hour or two on his phone, and leaves no time for climbing. I am left confused by his lack of interest in being in the physical world doing something he enjoys. What exists in the digital world that is more interesting and more stimulating? The answer really is nothing.

It is the perspective in which he views being on his phone and being on the wall at the climbing gym. It is all the same. They live in one ecosystem. The physical and digital worlds work together to form what they know as life.

Their Perception is DIFFERENT than Ours

My son does not realize he is missing anything because there is no concept of time or consequences in the digital world. He says if I tell him he has two hours to complete his homework, he views it as a limitless time until I tell him it is too late to go to the gym.

There are no boundaries in his world. When games never end, and reel after reel pops up on his screen, it is very easy for him to get lost in his device and difficult to set a limit.

The phone, video games, computers, and all the digital technology we see as advancing our existence IS our children’s existence. To us, they are tools to aid us in our lives. We can choose to use them or not, power them down, or monitor their usage to create balance. I am learning it is not so simple for young people because of the marriage between the two worlds.

So, how do we help our children create balance?

I am not claiming to have the answer or any real wisdom about this. I am constantly trying new things. I can tell you for certain what has not worked in my house:

Begging and pleading to get off the screen, shutting down the internet, using a bribe (the climbing gym), or trying to reason with him. Reasoning with him always ends with the statement, “Let’s set you up for success.” The irony here is as a coach, I know the first step is to have my clients define what success looks like for themselves.

I’ve been working under the assumption that my son’s definition of success is the same as mine. It most clearly is not. It is time for me to start asking him questions and to get curious about his version of success.

It's time to be in conversation and learn. I am ready to hear from my son on what success looks like, how being on a device lends to his success, what balanced use of digital media looks like, and what expectations around digital media need to be in place to support him. Establishing guardrails and expectations to support him, rather than rules and pleading, aligns more with my parenting style.

I know I lose confidence and question my parenting often when it comes to parenting in the digital world. I also know I am a great parent and try hard to meet my children where they are mentally, physically, and emotionally. I may not like that they live in a world consumed by digital media, but I am willing to meet them there to teach and guide them in the same way I do in the physical world.

I feel ready for the challenge. Knowing what doesn’t work is a great starting point. Now I can try other things with some level of confidence.

Explore the Power of the Three B's

I like the idea of sticking to the three B's. They have worked for me while parenting in the physical world.

Be balanced (use the screens for what they do best)
Be present (when you are on a device, you are not present)
Be mindful (notice what you are not doing because you are on a screen)

Parenting in this ecosystem is new. We are going to make mistakes and not always feel confident. Teaching and modeling how to live in the physical and digital worlds, based on the boundaries you set as a family, will help your children learn how to use their devices responsibly and help them understand that the information and technology they have access to are powerful.

This way, they know choosing a flip phone over a smartphone or staring up at the clouds rather than at a screen is available to them. It lets them know they get to make decisions based on what is important to them. This is how their minds become open and available for stillness and boredom, allowing them to show up in the world ready to create, explore, and wonder.

READ MORE:

What’s Actually Happening Inside Your Child’s Developing Brain

By Maggie Pouplis • June 3, 2026

Almost every parent experiences this more than once. Your child changes, and suddenly, you feel like you no longer fully understand them. The toddler who melts down over the “wrong” cup. The once easygoing school-aged child who suddenly becomes more sensitive, withdrawn, or reactive. The teenager who pulls away just when you feel the strongest urge to protect them. And somewhere in those moments, most parents begin searching for explanations. “Something changed.” “Someone is influencing them.” “They’ve become difficult.” “Social media is ruining this generation.” As parents, we naturally try to make sense of behavior. We look for causes because uncertainty feels uncomfortable, especially when it involves someone we love so deeply. But many times, what changes first is not the child’s character. It is the child’s developing brain. One of the most important things I learned during my training with the Jai Institute for Parenting was that behavior cannot be fully understood outside the context of relationship, nervous system development, and emotional safety. That perspective stayed with me and eventually led me to dive even deeper into developmental neuroscience and brain development. Because once you begin to understand how the brain develops, it stops looking like defiance, manipulation, laziness, or attitude. The behavior begins to look like development. In the early years of life, especially between ages two and four, children experience emotions intensely while still lacking the neurological maturity to regulate them independently. The areas of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, planning, and perspective taking are still under construction. In other words, young children often feel enormous emotions inside very small nervous systems. This is why a toddler can completely fall apart because their banana broke in half or because you gave them the “wrong” spoon. To the adult brain, the reaction may seem dramatic. To the child’s nervous system, however, the distress is real. This does not mean children should grow up without boundaries . It means that in moments of emotional flooding, connection and regulation often need to come before teaching. As Dr. Daniel Siegel often explains, an overwhelmed brain cannot effectively access logic, learning, or problem-solving. The nervous system must first return to a state of safety before true learning can happen. This is where co-regulation becomes incredibly important. Children borrow our nervous systems long before they can consistently regulate themselves. They learn emotional regulation through repeated relational experiences with calm, connected adults. Of course, this does not mean parents must remain perfectly calm all the time. Parents are human beings with limits, stress, exhaustion, responsibilities, and their own nervous systems. What matters most is not perfection but repair, awareness, and the overall emotional climate of the relationship. As children move into the school-age years, something else begins to happen. Around ages five to seven, the social brain expands significantly. Children become increasingly aware of how others see them. Acceptance, belonging, comparison, fairness, and peer relationships begin carrying much more emotional weight. This is often the age when parents say things like: “They suddenly became more sensitive.” “They take everything personally now.” “They worry more than before.” And they are usually right. At this stage, children are not simply reacting emotionally. They are beginning to build a deeper social identity. Their brains are becoming more aware of social evaluation and emotional meaning within relationships. Then comes a stage I personally believe is one of the most misunderstood of all: roughly ages eight to ten. Many parents expect things to stabilize by this point. Instead, some children become quieter, more introspective, more emotionally reactive, or seemingly disconnected. Others become easily bored, frustrated, or emotionally overwhelmed. And naturally, adults begin creating narratives around those changes. “They’re lazy.” “They’ve changed.” “They don’t care anymore.” But very often, what we are witnessing is neurological reorganization rather than deterioration. During this period, the brain begins a major process called synaptic pruning. Neural connections that are not frequently used begin to weaken, while frequently used pathways become stronger and more efficient. At the same time, children develop more complex emotional awareness, deeper thinking, and a richer internal world. Many children at this age begin asking bigger questions about themselves, relationships, fairness, identity, and belonging, even if they cannot fully articulate those thoughts yet. Sometimes what adults interpret as withdrawal is actually cognitive and emotional expansion happening internally. And then adolescence arrives, perhaps the stage that activates the most fear in parents. Teenagers begin separating psychologically from their parents as part of healthy development. Their need for autonomy increases while the emotional and reward systems of the brain become highly sensitive. Peer relationships become deeply important, emotions intensify, and risk-taking often increases. To many parents, this can feel frightening or even personal. But adolescence is not a broken relationship. It is a developmental transition. Teenagers still need boundaries, guidance, and emotional safety. Perhaps more than ever. But they also need space to develop identity, autonomy, and a sense of self outside the parent-child dynamic. And maybe this is one of the biggest challenges of parenting today: learning how to remain emotionally available without trying to control every stage of development out of fear. Modern parenting often places enormous pressure on parents to react perfectly at every moment. But children do not need perfect parents. They need regulated enough adults who are willing to stay curious about what behavior may actually be communicating. Because many times, children are not trying to give us a hard time. They are trying to organize a developing brain and nervous system inside a very overstimulating world. And perhaps the question we need to ask more often is not “How do I stop this behavior?” , but “What might this developing brain be trying to communicate through it?”