How Do Kids Grow Beyond Commands?

Did you know that 80% of the sentences adults say to kids are commands?

Come here, sit there, bring that to the trash, do this, don’t do that…

Sometimes, we add a “please” to make it sound kinder, but it’s still a command in the end.

Here’s the thing: Commands don’t leave our kids with any choice. When we make a command, we don’t give our kids a chance to think and decide. Instead, we ask them to either obey or disobey.

And then we complain that they don’t “listen” to us. It’s actually not about listening—it’s about choosing, and we haven’t given them any choice.

So here is a question for us to ponder: Where could you turn your commands into opportunities for your child to practice critical thinking and decision-making?

Empowering Children vs. Giving Them Commands

Here is a tool for you to try on: SPORTSCASTING.

When you see a situation happening with your kids, state your observations neutrally as if you were a sportscaster: “I see one brother who took away a toy and another brother crying.”

This helps our kids develop awareness and perspective. It gives them space to access their thinking brains and offers them opportunities to practice their own decision-making.

After we have made our neutral observations, we can pose a curiosity: “I wonder how you boys will resolve this. I am here to help.”

Here’s another example. If you see a mess on the floor - instead of using a command like “clean up your clothes,” say: “I see these clothes on the floor here. I wonder what your plan is?”

When we invite more space and curiosity into our parenting leadership, we allow our kids to build more confidence and self-trust.

And, of course, as always, don’t beat yourself up if you struggle to let go of commands. It takes effort, patience, and determination to rewire our patterns.