Behavior is the Language

Parents often come to us exhausted by behavior: big reactions, shutdowns, defiance, tears that seem to come out of nowhere.

The common question is: How do I make this stop?

But underneath that question is usually something more tender:

What is my child trying to tell me, and why can’t they just say it?

Children aren’t being difficult on purpose.

They’re communicating with the tools they have. Let’s keep it real: many adults struggle with communicating their needs effectively, especially when they are tender.

And our children don’t have the life experience or maturity that we do, so they grasp and react and express in ways that are available to them. 

And their behavior is often the loudest.

This doesn’t mean that we IGNORE unwanted behavior. It means we meet it through a different lens.

Listen for the Need Beneath the Behavior

The next time your child’s behavior feels confusing or disruptive, pause and ask yourself:

If this behavior were a message, what might it be asking for?

Instead of:

“Why are they acting like this?”

Try:

“What might they need right now?”

That need might be:

• safety
• rest
• reassurance
• autonomy
• connection

It’s ok to guess! Your willingness to meet the moment with curiosity first changes so much!

Why It Works

Confidence doesn’t grow through pressure or performance.

It grows through co-regulation.

When a parent holds a belief during moments of doubt, a child’s nervous system receives a powerful message:

“I’m safe enough to try.”

“I’m still worthy even when I struggle.”

“I don’t disappear when I fail.”

Neurologically, this kind of belief helps stabilize the stress response.

Relationally, it teaches children that uncertainty doesn’t threaten connection.

Eventually, children stop needing to borrow belief, because it’s been built into them.

Through the Coaching Lens

This reframe, seeing behavior as communication, is simple in theory and incredibly challenging in practice.

Especially when a parent is already tired, triggered, or unsure of themselves.

Parent coaching supports adults in building the capacity to:

• slow down in moments of reactivity
• separate behavior from intent
• stay curious instead of corrective

We don’t teach parents to ignore behavior.

We teach them to translate it.

And when parents learn how to do that, when they can meet behavior with regulation, curiosity, and leadership, children don’t just “behave better.”

They feel safer asking for what they need.

Eventually, with words.

For many parents, learning this changes how they understand children entirely.

And for some, it opens the door to guiding other families through the same shift.