Words Matter: How I Transformed My Parenting Through Communication

I will reluctantly share something I don’t often talk about. 

I used to yell at my kids when I lost my patience. 

Here’s an example scene—does it sound at all familiar? 

One child was on their device during times they weren’t supposed to be. Another child needed to complete homework that was not being done. My spouse was out for the evening. I was on-call for my pediatric practice and trying to finish notes, return pages, and get children to bed as soon as possible so I could complete computer work.

You get the idea.

“JUST GO TO BED PLEASE,” I would say in a loud voice and with an annoyed tone.

“TURN OFF THE **bleepity-bleep** iPad NOW or I’m putting it away all weekend!”

The kids would usually obey and eventually do all the things, but they were disgruntled. I felt guilty for getting angry, and sometimes there were even tears. I never felt good about these episodes. There was often a residue into the next morning, when I would try to apologize and think or talk about how I would handle it differently next time.

I didn’t become a parent coach because I thought my responses were a problem. After all, I was loving and mostly calm, an experienced pediatrician, and highly trained! This was all normal stuff, right?

I became a coach because I yearned to spend more time talking with families about the root causes of health and disease. It was during a pandemic-era webinar for physicians on how to avoid burnout when I was introduced to the term ‘coaching,’ and from there, I learned of the power of mindset and the voice of the inner critic. These ideas deeply resonated, especially in conversations about health behaviors and lifestyle choices with patients and their families.

Over my twenty years in pediatric practice, I have noticed a growing burden of mental health concerns. More and more parents were struggling with how to support their children at home, whether dealing with anxiety, ADHD, meltdowns, tantrums, or sibling conflict. I realized I needed more time and an expanded set of tools to address these challenges in my pediatric practice, many of which were just as much about parents as they were about kids.

Completing the Jai Transformational Parenting Coaching certification program was helpful for these skills and for enhancing my capacity to attune to patients. But to my surprise, the biggest transformation from my parent coaching certification wasn’t professional–it was personal. The most impactful and unanticipated byproduct of my parent coach training is that I learned to talk differently to my own kids. And this has radically changed my experience as a parent. 

There are still conflicts. My early teen and tween-aged kids still feel disgruntled sometimes, maybe even a lot. They are at an age when they are testing boundaries, sensitive to criticism, and focusing on peer relationships. I can still lose my patience. Yet, the experience feels very different. I have a different lexicon of words from which to choose. I am practiced at keeping my own nervous system calm and anchored. 

I am deliberate about the balance of making a request over a demand. I try to avoid inadvertently putting my kids on the defensive, which escalates conflicts instead of diffusing them. I am less critical of myself. I try to communicate my expectations clearly and age-appropriately and in a way that sets everyone up for success.

Simple changes.

Saying, “I recall it differently,” instead of, “That is not true! I never said that!”

Saying, “You must have felt really angry to have hit your brother. Can you tell me what was going on?” instead of shrieking, “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!”

Getting my kids’ full attention prior to asking them to do something—and there are better ways of finding their attention than raising my voice!

I see the underlying need and feeling that underlie their behavior, which moves me away from judging and labeling them. As Marshall Rosenberg writes in his book Nonviolent Communication, “When you are busy judging people, you have no time to love them.”

Small shifts in how we speak can create profound changes in how we relate to our children. It’s never too late (or too early!) to learn how to listen more compassionately and respond from a place of curiosity and empathy. After all, the words we use with our kids today over time will shape their inner thoughts as they grow. 

Meet Your Author, Eliza Humphreys, MD

Website:  www.elizahumphreysmd.com

Instagram: @ehumphreysmd

With over two decades of experience as a pediatrician, Eliza brings deep insight and compassion to her work as a parent coach. She is a trauma-informed certified coach and a dedicated student of Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC). In her own parenting journey, Eliza has witnessed the transformative impact of intentional, values-driven approaches rooted in connection. Today, she supports and empowers parents to create the strong, nurturing families they envision.