When Control Backfires, Try This

Your child refuses.

You repeat the request… louder.

They yell. You threaten.

They slam the door.

Your body tightens. You feel angry. That little voice says: I’m failing.

This is the spiral. And every parent has been here.

In those moments, control feels like the only option. If they’d just comply… Right?

But here’s the truth: control may bring short-term obedience, but it rarely builds long-term trust.

The real shift isn’t in what you say next. It's in what you check inside.

Check Your Center

When chaos rises, we instinctively reach for control. It feels safer. It gives us the illusion of stability.

But true influence doesn’t come from control. It comes from connection.

“Am I reaching for control, or inviting connection?”

Control might look like: louder commands, threats, urgency, or harsh boundaries.

Connection might look like: pausing for breath, naming the feeling, softening your tone, or asking a curious question.

This doesn’t mean giving up on the boundary. It’s an invitation to change the energy behind it. 

Fear fuels control. Leadership fuels connection.

Control might look like:

• Repeating commands louder
• Threatening consequences out of frustration
• Using urgency to override your child’s feelings
• Holding the boundary with tension or harshness

Connection might look like:

• Taking a breath before responding
• Naming the feeling beneath the behavior: “You’re angry about this.”
• Softening your tone while holding the limit
• Asking a curious question or offering presence before solutions

Why It Works:

When we grasp for control, it often triggers more resistance. Two nervous systems fighting for control can’t regulate each other.

But when we pause, we shift from threat to presence. Presence signals safety. And safety opens the door to influence—not through force, but through connection.

Through the Coach Lens:

Parents often come into coaching asking: “Why won’t my child just do what I need?”

Instead of rushing to solutions, we can help them notice their own state. Try:

• “What did you feel yourself reaching for?”
• “What would connection have looked like?”
• “What fear was behind the control?”

This reflection (without shame) teaches parents what true influence feels like.

You can’t always control your child.

But you can return to your center, choose connection, and offer the steady presence they’ll carry with them long after the moment has passed.