In the 1960s Diana Baumrind published a study that became the basis of parenting practices. She described four main parenting styles based on the degree of responsiveness and demandingness the parent showed with the child.

• Neglectful: At the low end of both scales, neglectful parents do not respond to their child’s emotional or developmental needs. They also permit the child to do anything or have anything because they don’t place any boundaries or limits on the child.

• Permissive: While permissive parents may be highly responsive in how they meet the needs of their child, at the same time they lack boundaries and limits, allowing the child to indulge in their immediate gratification.

• Authoritarian (Dominant): These parents are overly demanding, often with strict rules and limits enforced with punishments. Meanwhile, they lack responsiveness, withholding affection and ignoring or dismissing the child’s emotional and developmental needs. 

• Authoritative: Until recently, this style was recommended as the ideal parenting method: both responsive (warm, nurturing) and demanding (holding firm limits with reasonable expectations). Most psychologists, experts, and conventional wisdom saw this blend as the best way to raise a child.

The shift from “authoritative” to a new parenting style which we at Jai call "transformational" is based on the idea that the goal of parenting is not about controlling children, ever, even if done lovingly.

• Transformational: The latest style of parenting validates children as autonomous individuals who need a secure connection to thrive. The parent is a facilitator of family values, open communication, and emotional well-being. 
  

Why Dominant Parenting Is More Harmful Than It Seems

Before sharing the detrimental effects of dominant parenting, know this: if you notice characteristics of dominant parenting in yourself, you are not a bad parent.

It makes sense that you may parent this way, especially if you were raised by a dominant parent, or if you’re reacting to the way neglectful or permissive parents may have raised you. 

You have an opportunity to repair mistakes that you’ve made, and every day is an opportunity to change.

Dominant parenting relies heavily on tactics to control a child’s behavior: consequences, punishments, threats to deter undesirable behavior, and bribes to promote preferred behavior. Any contrived consequence (positive or negative) impedes a child’s sense of autonomy, automatically turning the parent-child relationship into a “me versus you” dynamic. There is no outcome that preserves the integrity and dignity of a child in this scenario. Consequences also undermine any sense of cooperation or collaboration with the child. 

Several behaviors common in dominant parenting are also considered “adverse childhood experiences,” which are linked to chronic health, interpersonal, and behavioral problems. Physical or emotional abuse, neglect, intimate partner violence, and violence toward the mother are all factors that impact children and their development.

Without intervention and support, children who experience dominant parenting typically develop defensive and protective behaviors like heightened aggression, short tempers, sensitivity to sounds or touch, or disruptive habits. These behaviors are an adaptive response to the stress they’ve endured and can then lead to further problems when parents want to control or diminish those challenging behaviors.

Again, be gentle with yourself if you fear your parenting could be leading to these results. All people, especially children, have resilient brains and minds that can heal through loving care and supportive relationships. That is exactly what transformational parenting is all about.

A Path Forward: Transformational Parenting

The newest method of parenting that brings in research from the fields of child psychology, neuroscience, neurobiology, and developmental attachment leads to real transformation in the parent-child relationship. The essence of transformational parenting is connection in the relationship, which eliminates the reliance on power-motivated strategies because everyone in the family is valued for who they are.

When parents view children as equals not in terms of ability or maturity, but in terms of needs and belonging, there is no longer a power structure that drives the actions, choices, and words of the parent. Transformational parenting combines understanding of a child’s experience with healthy and supportive communication to meet their emotional needs, resolve conflict, and teach family values. All of this is possible (and more effective) without tactics and strategies of dominant parenting.

The benefits of transformational parenting are tremendous. The lack of harmful effects is just the beginning. This new method of parenting lays the foundation for raising children we all dream about: kids who are confident, resilient, emotionally intelligent, and prepared to thrive as adults with a strong moral compass and deep sense of integrity. Transformational parenting starts with you as a parent, strengthens your relationship with your child, and eventually carries forward to your grandchildren and future generations. Transformational parenting will change the world.

How a Parenting Coach Can Help