Understanding the Role of the Nervous System in Empowered Parenting

Parenting isn’t just about what we say or do. It’s about what our bodies are silently communicating — every single moment. If you’ve ever found yourself shouting when you swore you’d stay calm, or freezing up when your child needed you most, you’ve already met your nervous system in action.

Let's explore how understanding your nervous system can transform how you parent, not by striving for perfection, but by building a foundation of safety, trust, and connection.

What Is the Nervous System?

Imagine your nervous system as a built-in alarm system. It’s constantly scanning your surroundings, asking:Am I safe? Am I threatened? This process, called neuroception, happens without you even realizing it.

Your nervous system includes your brain, spinal cord, sensory organs, and miles of nerves that weave through your body. These parts work together to decide how you react to the world, especially when you’re under stress. Think of it like an orchestra playing the symphony of your life, sometimes harmonious, sometimes chaotic, depending on the conductor: your sense of safety.

It’s not about the “spilled milk”...

One afternoon many years ago, my son Myles spilled a full glass of orange juice onto my laptop. I felt my body instantly tense. Before I could even think, I was shouting. Later, sitting in the stillness, I asked myself, "Why did Iexplode over juice?" My nervous system had sounded a "danger" alarm, even though the true threat was minor. It wasn’t the juice. It was an old pattern inside me reacting faster than my conscious mind could catch.

Understanding these automatic reactions is the first step toward parenting with intention.

The Central and Peripheral Nervous Systems

The nervous system has two main parts: the Central Nervous System (CNS), which includes the brain and spinal cord and acts as the command center, and the Peripheral Nervous System (PNS), a vast network of nerves that connect the CNS to the rest of the body. Imagine the CNS as the brain behind the operation, making decisions, and the PNS as the hands, feet, and messengers, carrying out those decisions.

Within the PNS lies the autonomic nervous system, the subconscious manager of bodily functions — breathing, heartbeat, digestion — and our stress response. It is here where so many of our parenting patterns are unconsciously activated.

The Role of the Autonomic Nervous System in Stress Response

Your autonomic nervous system has two modes: the Sympathetic Nervous System and the Parasympathetic Nervous System.

When the sympathetic system activates, it’s like pressing the gas pedal — gearing up for action, protection, and survival. We call this "fight or flight." The parasympathetic system, in contrast, is the brake pedal — helping us rest, digest, recover, and connect.

When the system is flexible, we can glide between these states. But when it’s conditioned by chronic stress, minor events can slam us into "emergency mode" without warning. Parenting, already full of small daily challenges, can feel like living in a constant battlefield when our inner wiring is on edge.

How Stress Affects Parenting

The Fight-or-Flight Response in Parenting

Like every child on the entire planet, my daughter Charlotte once went through a phase where she refused to get dressed for school. Usually, I navigated this well, but one day, very stressed about things going on that had absolutely nothing to do with my daughter, things went south quickly.

It started with playful giggles, but twenty minutes in, the clock ticking louder and louder in my ears, I found myself roughly pulling on her clothes, both of us sobbing before the day had even begun. I wasn’t a "bad mom." I was a mom whose nervous system had hit the red zone.

When we're stressed, our nervous system prioritizes protection over connection. And while this protects us in real danger, it hurts relationships when the "threat" is simply a stubborn button or a missing shoe.

Signs of Chronic Stress in Parents

The signs are often subtle before they roar into the open. A quick temper that flares over minor inconveniences. A feeling of constant overwhelm that seeps into even quiet moments. Difficulty sleeping, mind racing with worry. A sense of growing disconnection from your child, not because you don't care, but because you feel depleted. And perhaps most painful of all, waves of guilt after those moments you wish you could undo.

If you see yourself here, take heart: Awareness is the first, and bravest, step toward change.

The Importance of Regulation for Parents and Children

Emotional Co-Regulation Between Parents and Kids

Kids don’t come into this world knowing how to regulate their emotions. They learn by "borrowing" our nervous systems first. This beautiful, invisible dance is called

co-regulation.

When Myles was a toddler, leaving the park was like navigating a landmine. Every departure (really anything that involved a transition!!) meant meltdowns, screaming, and tears. I tried everything at first: bribery, distraction, even stern commands. None of it helped. Finally, I realized the missing ingredient was me.

If I could take a deep breath, slow down, soften my body, and offer him my calm presence rather than my anxiety, he began to settle. Not perfectly. Not instantly. But enough.

Building a Foundation of Safety and Trust

Safety for a child is far more than locks on the doors or holding hands when crossing the street. True safety is emotional and relational. It whispers:

• You are loved even when you mess up.
  
  
• Your big feelings won't scare me away.
  
  
• Your body and emotions are welcome here.
  
  

When a child knows this, their nervous system breathes easier. Their defenses lower. Their spirit expands.

Polyvagal Theory and Empowered Parenting

How Does Our Body Learn to Feel Safe?

Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory shows us the nervous system operates like a ladder:

• Green Pathway (Ventral Vagal): Calm, connected, collaborative.
  
  
• Red Pathway (Sympathetic): Mobilized for fight or flight.
  
  
• Blue Pathway (Dorsal Vagal): Frozen, shut down, disconnected.
  
  

We all move between these states. The goal is not perfection, but mobility — the ability to climb back up.

The Social Nervous System: The Green Pathway

In the green zone, everything feels softer: our gaze, our voice, our touch. We feel curious instead of critical. We connect, collaborate, and play.

Mobilization: The Red Pathway

In the red zone, both parents and kids feel an urgent need to protect themselves. Yelling, stomping, slamming doors, fleeing the room — all signs the body believes it’s under threat.

Helping our children (and ourselves) through mobilization means recognizing the fear beneath the fury and offering a path back to safety.

Immobilization: The Blue Pathway

When children seem "lazy," "spaced out," or tuned out, they’re often in the blue zone. They’re not "bad" — they’re overwhelmed.

Gentle invitations, soft tones, and patience are the keys to coaxing them back to connection.

The Vagus Nerve and Empowered Parenting

The vagus nerve is the superhighway linking the heart, brain, gut, and lungs. It's the body's ambassador of safety and love.



When you strengthen your vagus nerve through daily practices, you expand your capacity for calm, and your children feel it.

How to Strengthen the Vagus Nerve

Strengthening your vagus nerve isn't about adding more to your "to-do list." It's about weaving small, meaningful practices into your everyday life that build resilience from the inside out.

One of the simplest and most powerful ways to support your vagus nerve is through slow, rhythmic belly breathing.

This type of breathing sends signals to your brain that you are safe, helping to calm your entire system. Taking just a few minutes each day to practice intentional breathing — breathing deep into your belly rather than your chest — can help reset your stress response.

Another beautiful way to stimulate your vagus nerve is through your voice. Humming, singing, or chanting creates gentle vibrations in your throat, stimulating the vagus nerve and promoting relaxation.

It doesn't matter whether you think you're "good" at singing; the sound and vibration itself are what matters. I've often found myself humming softly while cooking dinner or singing silly songs with Myles and Charlotte, and I've noticed how it softens the whole mood of our home.

Exposure to cold can also activate the vagus nerve.

A splash of cold water on your face, a cold shower, or even a cool breeze against your skin can prompt your nervous system to shift toward calm. While it might sound uncomfortable at first, many parents find it surprisingly refreshing, especially during stressful days.

Laughter, especially shared laughter, is another potent tonic. A hearty laugh isn't just emotionally satisfying; it’s physiologically regulating.

I cherish the moments of uncontrollable giggles with Myles and Charlotte — they are not only joyful but deeply healing.

Spending time in nature is another powerful resource for your nervous system.

Whether it's a walk through the park, sitting under a tree, or even tending to a small garden, nature offers a rich sensory experience that naturally supports regulation. You don't have to "do" anything; simply being in a green space can begin to shift your state toward calm.

Finally, offering and receiving safe, nurturing touch — a hug, a hand on the shoulder, cuddling on the couch — can be profoundly soothing. Touch, when offered with consent and tenderness, reassures our deepest survival instincts that we are not alone, that we are cared for, that we are safe.

These practices are the small, powerful ways we rewire ourselves for greater resilience, compassion, and connection, not only for our own sake but for the sake of the next generation we are lovingly raising.

Connecting Nervous System Science and Secure Attachment

One of the most powerful insights from Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson's work is that the foundation of secure attachment begins with a single, essential "S": Safety. Without safety, no matter how loving our intentions are, our children’s nervous systems cannot fully relax into connection and trust.

Safety, in this context, is multi-dimensional. First, it means physical protection — ensuring that our children are shielded from harm and that their basic needs for food, shelter, and physical well-being are consistently met. This is the most visible layer of safety, but it is only the beginning.

Equally important is emotional attunement. Emotional safety means that we are present with our children’s feelings, not dismissing, minimizing, or overwhelming them. It means being able to sit with their anger, fear, sadness, or joy without trying to rush them through it or make it more comfortable for ourselves. It’s a deep trust that their inner world is valid and welcome.

Finally, safety also encompasses relational consistency. Our children need to know that we are reliably available to them, not perfect, but predictably loving and engaged. They need to trust that we will keep showing up, even when emotions run high or mistakes are made.

When we commit to cultivating safety in all these forms, we become our child’s safe harbor rather than their storm. We are the steady lighthouse on the shore, the one they can return to again and again, no matter how wild the waves of life may become. And in that safety, they don’t just survive, they thrive.

Nervous System Regulation Tools to Practice

Here are some of our favorite tools to support you on your journey to becoming more aware of your nervous system state and build your tolerance to remain calm in the most stressful moments of parenting (because the truth is that children ARE chaotic at times!) 

Your Nervous System Thermometer

One of the most powerful tools you can develop on this journey is the ability to recognize your rising stress levels before they boil over. Think of your nervous system like a thermometer, climbing through different "colors" or states of activation.

At Level 1 (Green), you feel calm, connected, and present. Your body is relaxed, your breath is steady, and your heart is open. This is the state where a meaningful connection with your child feels natural and effortless.

At Level 2 (Yellow), you start to feel a little annoyed. Tension might subtly creep into your shoulders, your jaw might clench slightly, or your voice might lose a bit of its softness. This is the first signal that your nervous system is beginning to activate in response to perceived stress.

At Level 3 (Orange), irritation becomes more pronounced. You may notice clenching fists, faster breathing, and a rising sense of urgency or frustration. At this level, it becomes harder to listen, stay curious, or remain flexible.

At Level 4 (Red), anger takes over. Your body feels tight, your voice gets louder, and you feel a surge of explosive energy. Rational thinking becomes difficult, and your nervous system is fully mobilized for "fight or flight."

At Level 5 (White), you feel completely overwhelmed. You may slam doors, shout uncontrollably, withdraw, or experience a complete loss of control. In this state, connection is almost impossible until regulation is restored.

The earlier you notice yourself climbing the thermometer, the easier it is to return to green. Building the awareness to catch yourself in yellow or orange is a powerful act of love for yourself and for your child.

Inching Toward Inner Safety

Regulation isn't a one-time victory. It's a lifelong practice, built inch by inch, breath by breath. Every time you pause instead of pounce, every time you soften instead of shout, every time you choose to breathe instead of break, you are strengthening your nervous system’s capacity for resilience and safety.

These tiny acts matter. They accumulate over time, creating a nervous system that no longer lives in chronic survival mode. You are not just managing behavior, you are building a legacy of safety inside your body, and modeling that legacy for your child to inherit.

Sensory Needs & Calming Tools

Everyone’s nervous system has unique sensory needs and preferences. Understanding and honoring these needs can make an enormous difference in your ability to regulate.

Ask yourself: Does bright light soothe me, or stress me out? Do I feel calmer in a room filled with music, or do I crave silence? When I’m upset, does movement — like a walk or some stretching — help me release energy, or do I need stillness and quiet?

The same exploration applies to your child. Helping them discover their "sensory sweet spots" — the environments, activities, and sensations that support their regulation — is one of the greatest acts of love you can offer. It’s not about forcing calm, but about co-creating conditions where calmness can naturally emerge.

ANCHOR: A Guide Through Self-Regulation

When you feel yourself rising on the thermometer, imagine dropping an anchor into the earth below you. Let it hold you steady through the waves.

Awareness of body: Notice what's happening inside you.

Name what’s happening: Label the emotion or sensation.

Connect to a calming tool: Breathe, stretch, hum, find your resource.

Honor the process: It’s okay that you’re activated. You’re human.

Open to connection: Stay available to yourself and your child.

Recommit to presence: Choose again to anchor in this moment.

Self-regulation doesn’t mean never feeling stressed. It means learning how to lovingly guide yourself back to safety again and again.

HARBOR: A Guide Through Co-Regulation

When your child is overwhelmed, they don’t need fixing. They need a harbor — a safe place to weather their emotional storms.

Hold space: Resist the urge to "fix" or "correct." Just be.

Accept what is: Emotions are safe to feel, even when they’re big.

Remember sensory calming tools: Offer grounding support without force.

Be low, slow, and soft: Lower your voice, slow your movements, soften your body.

Open to connection: Stay emotionally available.

Remind your child of safety: Through your tone, your presence, and your compassion.

You are their lighthouse, shining calm through their storm, no matter how strong the winds blow.

Rupture and Repair

You will mess up. And that's not only okay — it’s expected. The true magic of parenting is not in never rupturing the connection, but in repairing it.

When rupture happens:

• Connect first. Let your child know you’re still here.
• Apologize authentically, without excuses.
• Name the impact your actions had.
• Reaffirm your commitment to doing better.

Repair is fuel for growth for us and our family. It builds trust, not perfection. It teaches your child that relationships can survive hard moments, that mistakes are safe to acknowledge, and that love is bigger than any one outburst.

Invitation to Practice

As you move forward, I invite you to practice:

• Choose one vagus nerve-supporting practice each day.
• Track your "thermometer" signals and notice early signs of stress.
• Celebrate every small win — every pause, every softened moment.
• Practice ANCHOR for yourself and HARBOR for your child.
• Embrace rupture as an opportunity to deepen connection.
  

Remember: You are not failing when you struggle

You are doing the beautiful, brave work of parenting with presence — one breath, one choice, one healing moment at a time.

There will be moments when your voice rises louder than you intended, when your patience runs thin, when the weight of the day feels like too much. These moments do not define you. They do not erase the love you pour into your children day after day. They are simply invitations — invitations to return, to repair, to reconnect.

Every time you pause to take a breath instead of reacting, every time you soften your gaze instead of hardening your heart, every time you kneel beside your child instead of towering above them, you are creating safety. You are wiring your child's brain for trust, resilience, and joy.

Healing your nervous system and learning to anchor yourself in moments of stress is not easy work. It asks for courage, compassion, and a willingness to feel what generations before us may have numbed. But every small act of awareness you practice today plants seeds of transformation that will blossom in the generations to come.

You are not alone on this journey. Every parent who chooses presence over perfection, curiosity over control, connection over correction — you are part of a growing movement. A movement toward more conscious, compassionate families and a more loving world.

So take heart. Keep going. You are doing sacred work. And every single moment of effort matters more than you can possibly know.

Learning and growing alongside a supportive community can be empowering. If you are ready to deepen your understanding and start your journey of transformation, explore Jai’s 7-month Parent Coaching Program and join more than 2500 world wide parent coaches that are changing the world one family at a time. 

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.