Before starting any new actions, let’s look at potential blocks that get in the way of parenting with an open mind. As you consider these blocks, remember that your brain is always changing, and you can develop a growth mindset to facilitate this change.

Ask yourself this powerful question to bring hidden blocks into the light: 

What do I believe about children? 

By taking a closer look at your underlying beliefs about children, their role in family life and society, and what they deserve, you can uncover subconscious thought patterns that can thwart new attempts at having an open mind. 

These conditioned or inherited beliefs often come from how you were raised, and what “conventional wisdom” says we should believe. Here are some familiar beliefs that you might be holding without realizing it:

• Children are empty slates and learn from what their parents say.
• A parent’s job is to prepare children for the real world.
• Children don’t know what they want, think, or feel.
• Children need discipline to learn right from wrong.

The point is not to turn all your beliefs on their head right now, but to bring hidden beliefs to your awareness so you can consciously choose to continue holding them or soften their grip on your mindset. As I mentioned before: your brain is always changing, so you can choose to shift your beliefs once you know what they are.

Notice Your Fears and Choose Acceptance

How many times have you thought, “We have to nip this in the bud,” or “We can’t let this get out of control,” or “If they’re like this now, what will they be like in 5 years?”

These are thoughts coming from fear: fear that your child in front of you in this particular moment is going to be like this forever, or get worse. Whatever “this” is, it is not permanent. Even if what you’re afraid of can’t change, your perspective of it can.

Let me share two possible examples to make this a little more clear.

One child is highly verbal and doesn’t seem to have an “off” switch. Her parents worry that she is too talkative, doesn’t listen, and if they can’t get this figured out she won’t be able to make or keep friends and she’ll always get in trouble at school. 

Another child is nonverbal and despite many interventions doesn’t seem to be making progress toward using expressive language. His parents worry that he’ll live in constant stress and frustration, his peers and other adults and even family members will never understand him, and he’s facing a lonely life dependent on their constant care.

Both sets of parents are having very understandable fear-based thoughts. They are spiralling out of the current reality into a “what if” future of negative outcomes.

How can they shift out of fear and into acceptance? By seeing their child for who they are right now, and asking two questions: 

• How can I best support my child? 
• How can I find their superpower?

Every child needs support, and as the parent you get to be an advocate and offer whatever support you can, and find extra support as you need it. 

Every child deserves to be accepted for who they are, and celebrated for their unique qualities and abilities. The “talkative” child might have a superpower of bubbly confidence that allows her to speak for herself and others with courage and conviction. The “silent” child might have a superpower of being highly attuned to unseen intentions and will gravitate towards people who are authentic and trustworthy.

Accepting what is real right now is not the same as giving up hope for change in the future. It releases the friction and tension caused by fear and worry about things that have not yet happened.

Be an Active Listener

Once you have a foundation of uncovering hidden blocks and accepting the here and now, you can use specific tools to keep an open mind.

Active listening is an essential communication skill in peaceful parenting. It means you give attention with your eyes and your body, and you have a sincere willingness and desire to listen.

During active listening you get to practice resisting the urge to compare (to siblings, classmates, or “when I was your age”), the impulse to interrupt with your rational explanation, and the habit of labeling or judging what your child shares.

This is a skill that develops with practice, so be gentle with yourself if you notice being an active listener is more challenging than you expected. You can assure yourself and your child that you are trying to listen fully, and you’ll do your best to stay present until they have shared everything they desire to say.

Gather Information

Make Neutral Observations

This is another essential communication tool that will prevent you from pigeon-holing your child (or yourself as a parent).

Imagine you’ve just brought the kids home from school, and as you look through papers you notice one child sprawled on the couch.

Here’s a thought loaded with labels and judgment: "Oh geez, you lazy kid. We just walked in the door and now you’re already on the couch? Why do I have to nag you all day? You’re so irresponsible you’d flunk every class if I didn’t make you do your homework."

Here’s a thought with neutral observations: "Hmm, we just walked in the door and now you’re laying on the couch. You still have your shoes on. You haven’t turned on the TV. You’re not doing or saying much of anything."

In the first example the parent has already drawn lots of conclusions about the child and what will happen next. You can imagine it won’t be a pleasant interaction.

In the second example the parent is still open to explore why they are seeing what they are seeing. Without drawing conclusions the parent leaves room for curiosity and conversation, both of which have a better chance of leading to cooperation.

I understand wanting to respond, “Ya, but that IS what’s going on. It’s always the same!” This is an invitation to remain committed to parenting with an open mind.

Giving your child the benefit of the doubt, and possible a more generous assumption based on neutral observations lays a foundation of trust and communication rather than blame or dismissal.

Choose to View Behavior as a Symptom

Circling back to those hidden beliefs, we often have deeply ingrained beliefs around how children should behave and what it means when they don’t. Here are some tips to help you be an open-minded parent:

Conditioned belief: Children who reject a brand new toy are bratty and spoiled.

Open-minded belief: Children who reject a brand new toy are impulsively reacting to strong feelings of disappointment.

Conditioned belief: Children who yell at their parents are disrespectful and entitled.

Open-minded belief: Children who yell at their parents are using a safe space to release anger and aggression while they are highly dysregulated.

When you learn to view behavior as a top-layer symptom of a child’s inner experience, you remain open to connecting with your child to help them through their tough time, rather than creating disconnection with punishments or intense reactions.

It takes a lot of practice, and often an objective perspective from someone like a parenting coach, to view your child’s most difficult behaviors through a new lens. It can be hard, and it is one of the most effective ways to model to your child openness and connection.

Get Curious to Explore Deeper

With your intention to gather information about child development, make observations to consider the bigger picture, and see behavior as a symptom, you’ll be leaning into curiosity and asking questions at a whole new level.

As you parent with an open mind and you begin to see your child in a new light, you’ll start to realize what doesn’t yet make sense or what no longer seems to have a clear answer. That is great! You are creating an opportunity to explore even further into your child’s unique experience. 

Getting curious may include asking your pediatrician for additional information, requesting feedback from teachers, following childhood specialists (occupational therapists, play therapists, or nervous system experts) online. Your curiosity will guide you to a more comprehensive understanding of your child’s behaviors, emotions, thoughts, needs, and how they view themselves in the world.

You may also find curiosity in how and why you parent the way you do. The more open you are to exploring your own personal experiences, the more insight you have to make conscious choices about your parenting future.

Again, a reminder to be gentle with yourself: it’s never too late to develop these shifts in your approach to parenting. It can feel challenging, and you may feel some regret about past interactions. Here at the Jai Institute we help parents bring curiosity, openness and an understanding of child development to help support your parenting process and learn how to be a peaceful parent.