Do you hear from parents frequently, “why does every single conversation I have with my child end in rolled eyes, slammed doors, rude remarks, and exasperation?”
Do you hear them wondering, “what am I doing wrong? What am I missing?” Or maybe they struggle to comprehend why seemingly every simple task they ask their child to complete becomes a mountain of resistance and struggle?
Why all the unnecessary suffering? Why are we, as parents, settling for communication dynamics that feel absolutely awful for both the parent and child?
What if our relationship with our child did not have to feel so painful and impossible? This may have been the ‘norm’ for past parenting generations, but we know and can do better today. These strategies are time-tested from our Jai Parenting Coaches to help parents with fostering emotional intelligence and creating harmonious communication with their children.
Connection and Communication Can Flow with Our Children
Sure, no matter how you spin it, twelve year olds will be twelve, with deep emerging needs to question and understand. Yes, no matter how on point parents are at speaking and listening, three year olds will absolutely still be half human, half dinosaur. Still, aside from accepting the developmental stages children are in, both parent and child can absolutely navigate tricky conversations with mutual respect, understanding, and groundedness.
So what are we missing as parents?
What if, as parents and parent coaches, we could implement two simple yet enormously effective techniques to improve our relationship with our child from the inside out and the ground up?
The Two Missing Ingredients in Communication with Children
Right now, in most homes parents and children are missing a key ingredient in their connection. One path parents get to dedicate themselves to is their ability to model healthy communication. When we think of communication, many of us think of scripts. What to say and what not to say in order for our children to comply with our demands or to stop hitting their brother, for goodness sake!
We need to take two steps back. Before we focus on shifting and fine-tuning our actual language, we get to perfect our ability to create a nourishing environment in our family where our child feels, in their nervous system and in their heart, safe enough to share what is on their mind, and develop mature and emotionally intelligent ways of communicating to their family members.
Parents must actively and reflectively listen to children.
We must learn how to show our children that we hear them, and support them to feel felt, seen, and valued. When these needs are met, our child’s brain and body can experience the safety of a secure relationship. We get to grow our skills as the grown ups to actually
deeply listen to our children to understand their inner world. Not to listen to conjure up the best power rebuttal, to shut down our child’s “immature” or “ridiculous” thought process, or to defend our worthiness as the parent.
Emotional Safety First
When a child's brain and body feel safe and trust in their relationship with their parents, their brains are fertile soil for growth and maturation. We must feel safe to truly grow and evolve into our most emotionally intelligent self. When a child does not feel heard, truly heard, they will regress into one or more fear responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn.
In an article by Sara Bernard titled
To Enable Learning, Put (Emotional) Safety First, she shares that if a child is not experiencing emotional safety, which is felt when a parent can deeply and empathetically listen to their child without defense, the child’s brain can’t access actual growth and learning.
Imagine a child who is trying to communicate with their parents the joy they feel, the anger, the pain, the anxiety… and the parent gives the child twenty percent of their attention, a scoff or a solution to fix the “problem” quickly. These responses miss the mark for the emotional needs our child has behind their communication. These responses elicit feelings like frustration, loneliness, confusion, and stress for the child. Connection does not happen. Opportunities are missed and resentment builds, stuffed away in our child’s amygdala.
Brain Science and the Power of Listening
Bernard writes that “even feelings like embarrassment, boredom, or frustration – not only fear – can spur the brain to enter the proverbial "fight or flight" mode. The amygdala goes into overdrive and gets in the way of the parts of the brain that can store memories, says neurologist and former classroom teacher Judy Willis, who has studied this phenomenon extensively.”
This shows us as parents that our ability to create an emotionally safe environment for our child’s developing sense of self, their voice, and the freedom to communicate their rich inner world is paramount. Without our ability to create this emotionally safe space through active and reflective listening, our child’s brain begins to wire more and more to threat and self protection, and less and less to cooperation, collaboration, and connection.
Without a brain wired to connection, learning and maturing is detrimentally impacted.
It’s vital to remember, our children are dependent on us as their parent for our nervous system’s connection to presence and safety, our emotional brain's ability to regulate and process strong emotion, and our frontal brain’s ability to pause, and think before we speak. These skills are highly sophisticated, and many adults still struggle!
Because our children borrow these abilities from their caregiver, if they do not receive the support they need, children may default to threat and fear based responses. Let’s explore these four fear responses before we move on to the skills of active and reflective listening.
1. Fight: The child will raise their voice even louder to be heard! They may resort to strategies like name calling, cursing, or loud elaborate declarations of how unfair life is, and how horrible their parents are!
2.
Flight: The child will storm out of the room yelling, “you never listen to me!” Cue the slammed door.
3.
Freeze: The child will shut down and go silent. No amount of encouragement will get them talking again.
4. Fawn: The child will shut down inside and perform “good girl” or “good boy.”
How to Actively Listen As a Parent
'To listen is to continually give up all expectation and to give our attention, completely and freshly, to what is before us, not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean. In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear' — Mark Nepo
1. Slow down, show up, and listen intently: This won’t happen perfectly, or all of the time. Do your best each day to approach your interactions with your children with a clear intent to show up, slow down, and listen to their voice as if it were the most precious thing in the universe. What if, every day, you could stop what you’re doing, get to eye level with your child, and listen with so much presence you feel like your heart is going to explode? This is what presence feels like! Listen without an agenda.
Tip! Get down low to the child’s level, or lower! Two or eighteen, show them through your physical body that you are here to be their space holder and their emotional anchor. Ask yourself and be honest – how distracted are you by unnecessary things when your child opens to you and longs to express? Can you put your phone down, turn off the tv or radio, and eliminate what could distract you from deeply connecting?
2. Refrain from interrupting and listen to understand: Accept imperfection and take a “noticing” approach. How often do you interrupt your children? Their brains move so much more slowly than yours. They take more time to process their thoughts, memories, and desires.
Can you listen to your children’s natural processing without interrupting them and taking control of the conversation? We teach our children by modeling. Are you modeling undivided attention? When your children tell you their feelings, their stories, and their fears, can you listen and do nothing but hear them? No fixing. No rescuing. Just hear them. Can you listen to your child to really understand them? Not interrupt and jump to conclusions.
“Listen between the lines.” Try to really hear your child’s feelings and needs beneath their words.
Tip! Ask permission before offering advice. It can sound like this: “It sounds like this is a tricky place to be, would you like me to just listen, or would you like help problem solving?” Or, “I have a few ideas coming to me that I’d like to share with you. Would that help? I know you’re capable of solutions, too.” or “Honey, I am listening. I want to understand. I will stay quiet for you to talk all the way through.”
3.
Refrain from labels and judgment: Can you listen to your child as they tell a story, ask a question, or share their thoughts and fears without labeling them? Notice when you have labels come up in your mind, thoughts like “Why does this kid have to be so obnoxious and loud?” or, “He never tells the truth; he’s not honest.” Judgments and labels are normal. They are deeply conditioned within us as we perceive our children. But they are rarely useful in creating a powerful relationship with our children. Listen deeply – what are the feelings, desires, or needs beneath your child’s communication?
Tip!
Explore your ANCHOR. (Download our free guide, ‘why parents yell at their children and how to stop’ for a full description of the ANCHOR process.) This will support you to stay present in your body and out of your fear brain, which is responsible for crafting and spinning stories about who your child is and is not. Find words you can repeat in your mind that will help you stay anchored to the truth of who your child is:
“My child is good. My child is kind. My child’s voice matters.”
How to Reflectively Listen As a Parent
“I wouldn't expect someone who's been injured to hear my side until they felt that I had fully understood the depth of their pain.” — Marshall Rosenberg
1. Reflect back what you hear your child say through an empathy question. Imagine your nine year old comes to you in a huff and says: “You NEVER play with me! You’re ALWAYS busy and daddy is ALWAYS working. Ugh, just leave me alone!”
You may be tempted to respond like this: “Sweetie, that’s not true. I played with you all day yesterday and took you to your favorite ice cream spot. I really don’t appreciate your drama over this, your dad and I give you so much. You could be grateful instead of complaining. My parents never even took me out to special places as a kid! You don’t know how lucky you are!”
Okay, these points may all be valid from your perspective, but how do you show your child that you are committed to creating a space of emotional safety and understanding?
Feel the difference:
“Honey, when you said that mommy never plays with you, and daddy is always working, I wonder if you’re feeling pretty crummy and lonely? It sounds like maybe you are really needing a mommy/daddy day where no one is distracted? That makes sense. I remember feeling lonely when I was little, too, because my parents worked so much. Come here. I love you. Tell me, if you could plan a day with mommy and daddy, what would that look like?”
2. Allow silence and processing time after you’ve reflected back with an empathy question. Go slow, then go slower. Our children’s brains process information and emotion much slower than we do as adults. Try the ten second rule. After making a guess, sit in silence for ten seconds before continuing to talk and repeat questions.
3. Offer authentic invitations for problem solving. Imagine your 8 year old son just got done playing soccer in the backyard, and family dinner with your parents is set to start in just an hour. Already, you’re anxious that your mom will comment on how unkempt your house is, or how fussy the baby is (cue: maybe you should stop holding her so much, she wouldn’t be so clingy!). You feel stressed about your son getting a shower and looking presentable.
He shares how he does not want to shower. He is not sweaty! (He’s sweaty.) He shares how unfair it is that he always has to spend so much time getting ready for grandma, “it’s not a big deal! I’m clean!” (He’s not clean.)
Cue power struggle? Cue parent explaining logically until the only viable option for your son is to roll his eyes into the back of his head to survive your lecture?
No! Actively and reflectively listen. I promise, expect miracles. Let’s watch:
Mom: “I hear you say you’re not sweaty and you are clean. I wonder if you’re feeling annoyed by having to get wet and soapy when you’re not wanting to?”
Son: “Yeah I don’t get why you care so much, I’m clean and I want to play my Pokemon!”
Mom: “Okay, you want to play your Pokemon, I get that! Pokemon vs. shower? No brainer, dude. K, how bout we get creative? What ideas do you have?”
Son: “Ummmm….play pokemon and cancel dinner with grandma?”
Mom: “OOO! Clever! HA! Okay, next idea. (Hug, giggle, affection, warmth). How about, you and I play Pokemon for 10 minutes, then you take a FORTY SECOND shower? I literally do not think you can take a shower in 40 seconds, but I’m willing to be wrong. (Wink, grin, nudge).”
You get the point! The parent is not even picking up the “power struggle.” Do not even pick it up! You have other strategies. Deeply listening, actively trying to understand what’s going on your child inside and what they need at that moment, and asking curiosity questions that are rooted in creativity and collaboration.
Worst case scenario? Your son does not shower. Does the world end? No. No it does not. Is your ego bruised? Maybe! Here is the best part, when you actively and reflectively listen to your child every day, it becomes the norm and part of the family culture. This means that YOU, too, parent, can share your feelings, needs, fears, desires, and wants to your child and they will actively hear you, respond, and engage in collaboration. This may seem like a fairy tale, but I assure it, it can be your reality, too.
The Healing Path of Active Listening
We can move forward with our clients, and our clients with their children, more equipped to navigate tricky conversation moments. Nine year olds will continue to assert their developing understanding of reality, and it may come out sharp and immature. Instead of reacting and taking our children’s experimentation with expressive language personally, we can respond with the communication skills we trust they will one day develop into.
What we’ve been missing is the window to sink into the pause, rest in curiosity, and listen with a deep trust in our connection to our child.
We can be the leaders of our children’s communication without threats, punishments, power struggles, or chronic bitterness.
What once felt impossible, is now an exciting opportunity to grow our skill set to better guide our children. With the right support, any vision our clients have as parents is absolutely possible!
Resources
To Enable Learning, Put (Emotional) Safety First:
Building a secure, supportive classroom environment is essential for young brains to learn
by Sara Bernard:
https://www.edutopia.org/neuroscience-brain-based-learning-emotional-safety
5-Steps to Empathic Listening: beyond active listening to curiosity of needs/values:
https://www.compassionateconnecting.com/blog/empathic-listening
Meet Your Author, Rebecca Lyddon, Director of Education & Master Trainer
Rebecca is propelled by a vision whereby she sees children being cared for by adults who are wise, healthy, free, creative, strong, brave, and bold. As a Social Worker, Waldorf Educator, Astrologer, 5Rhythms dancer, Playback Theater practitioner, and lifelong child advocate, Rebecca is thrilled to integrate all of her skills as a certified Parent Coach and Group Trainer.
When Rebecca is not engrossed in deep soul work, she is laughing, dancing, singing and celebrating her life with her beloved, and their two children in Lawrence, Kansas.
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