Most parents want to raise empowered children who can use their voice…

… As long as they don’t use it to talk back!

When we don’t understand what is actually behind the backtalk, it’s easy to get frustrated and react, which we all know only makes matters worse.

Most parents don't want to hear their children getting rude or sassy or exercising their voice to push back against what they want their children to do. 

The end result is usually a power struggle. 

I have empathy and compassion for moments like these that happen in every family. 

It's hard to have somebody fighting against us. 

It's exhausting to hear our children not accepting or embracing a direction that we give.

It can also touch us in a very tender way and remind us of how we ourselves were parented. Often our reactions come from how we were allowed or not allowed to use our own voice to stand up for what we believed in, advocate for our needs and set our own boundaries to communicate what we wanted and believe in, in our own childhood home. 

So, first things first, so much compassion for all that’s going on below the surface in these interactions. 

There’s a truth that many parents don’t know about what motivates back talk in the first place.

It all begins with nervous system and brain science

Especially during the tween and teen years, children are going through an enormous evolution in their biology. Their brain is growing. It's pruning. It's getting rid of the last decade of information that's not necessary anymore. It’s preparing itself for puberty. 

At this stage, as we all know, our children are going through really big changes. Their ego state is in a really a tender, vulnerable place of establishing their identity, their place in community, belonging, and their friendship group.

They're also moving into the parts of the brain that are more analytical. They are becoming much more conscious of what is right and wrong. They're really analyzing things like needs and values, fairness, equality and justice. 

So what happens when these needs are not being honored in their eyes? 

Like when you're telling them to do something that they don't have a choice in, or when we expect things from them that are above the appropriate developmental stage or their capacity. 

Then, like all of us, they may go into self protection mode. 

All of us can become aggressive and angry when we believe that we are under threat or when we believe that our sense of sovereignty, agency, fairness, equality, or space to advocate for what we think is right, is under threat. 

Even if in the parents' perspective, it's way out in left field, it's still real.

So what do we do?

1. We begin by realizing and understanding that they're practicing their communication skills, and their negotiation skills… imperfectly. It’s not about us.

They are imperfectly practicing advocating for their needs. 

They are trying to gain more information and ultimately wanting to be in collaborative negotiation. 

But they are so underdeveloped that it comes out as, “you can’t tell me what to do” or, “why do you always want me to do everything around here?” 

(Or fill in the blank of whatever it is that your child says when you ask them to set the table, or put their shoes away, or help you unload the groceries.)

We think as parents, “Why do you have to make it so difficult? Why do you need to push back on every little thing? I can't even talk to you without you talking back!” 

As parents, that's typically where we go. We go right back into modeling backtalk.

Then we lie in bed at the end of the day, wondering, “why does it have to be such a power struggle with them?” 

The truth is, we’re usually the ones modeling the power struggle. 

We need to see our children's backtalk through their mind, their perspective, their development, their brain, their body, their needs. What is happening for our child that is creating the need for them to become aggressive in their language? 

2. Practice what I call rain on a window pane by not taking what your child is saying or how they’re reacting personally. Just watch the rain come down. This has nothing to do with you. 

My child is not intentionally being rude.

My child is not intentionally trying to give me a hard time. 

My child is not intentionally trying to be mean or obstinate or defiant or lazy or selfish (or fill in the blank of all of the labels and the judgments that parents go into when we're struggling). 

I get to imagine my child's words as rain on a window pane.

I take a hundred percent responsibility for the way that my child's words are touching me. My child can not push my buttons, unless I let them. It is my button. I have personal boundaries. 

I have 100% responsibility for the ways that I am being impacted by my child's words. 

Now this is not to say that your child's words shouldn’t hurt you. Of course words hurt. When someone is saying, “you're not the boss of me, I hate you, you're the worst parent in the whole world and I wish I had a different parent,” of course that hurts. 

You've been taking care of this person since they were a baby. And you've been doing everything for them. You've been meeting every need. Because that's your job. 

Your job is to meet the needs of your child. 

Your job is to take care of your children, without them paying you back with good behavior. 

Your job is to show up unconditionally and do the best that you can. 

And it still hurts to hear hurtful words. As an adult who is mature in my brain, my body and my self-responsibility, I can take those words. I can have a psychological membrane boundary. I don't have to internalize them.

I can self-regulate. 

That's really hard for most parents. That's why this life-changing skill is the heart and soul of our entire program at The Jai Institute for Parenting. 

Learning how to feel safe and secure in your body allows you to be in a place of not taking your child's words personally. 

If they do touch your buttons, you don't punish your child for it. You self-regulate, and observe rain on a window pane, then set a verbal boundary. You might say something like, “you know, honey, I see that this is frustrating for you or it's not the right time. I see that. Although it's imperfect, I'm hearing your communication. I'm hearing your no, and I'll try again with you later. I'm not willing to be spoken to this way.” Then drop any request even temporarily and get curious and connect with your child, so you can ask them what's going on.

Or if the interaction takes you to a place of feeling really upset or angry, it’s time to take a little break. When you're ready, you talk about what happened. Rain on a window pane. Self-responsibility for regulation. 

3. When the time is right, reestablish connection. Have an empowered conversation with them and through the art of reflection and through the skill of being the master of translation, help your child learn how they could have communicated their needs and support them to visualize how they could communicate differently next time.

Our children's nervous systems are underdeveloped. Their brains are immature. They really struggle with being angry and communicating consciously at the same time. 

And unless we are modeling it and supporting them through the act of reflection and visualization, they will not grow in that skill and will continue to be stuck in power struggle. 

So your takeaway: regulate, don't take it personally (rain on a window pane), connect, reflect, visualize.

It’s a practice, so don’t expect to get it overnight. Be gentle with yourself and your children. 

You both deserve it.

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