My Personal Journey to Founding The Jai Institute

When I was 16, I made a promise to myself to do whatever it would take to parent in a totally different way than what I experienced. I had the benefit of something most children don’t—perspective. My parents were divorced, and while my mom will tell you that she was far from perfect, above all, she was kind. My dreams were held dear. She taught me that if I worked hard, I could do anything. 

My dad’s house was the polar opposite. He’d remarried a woman less inclined to care about children's dreams. They had a son, my half-brother, Ian. Ian was regularly locked in the bathroom for 30 minutes of confinement for doing something that had been deemed “cute” only the day before. 

He regularly got his mouth washed out with soap for being “fresh.” I desperately wanted to protect him, but I was powerless. I was shamed, belittled, and controlled in that house too. I got fed nothing but salmon and rice for dinner one summer because I was “getting chubby.” But it wasn’t what happened to me that had me make that promise. It was watching my brother’s beautiful spirit slowly diminish in all the chaos and criticism until all he could do was live through it. It all seemed so unfair. And unnecessary. I vowed to do better. 

So imagine my surprise when, 20 years later, with a degree in Psychology and many years working as a life coach, I could not control my behavior when it came to my own children. 

When my daughter, Charlotte, was three, she went through a phase where she refused to brush her hair. In a moment of unconscious utter frustration, I took the brush and swatted her tush with it. She looked at me with a heartbreaking expression of shock, fear, and then… tears. I immediately dropped the brush on the floor and felt the heat of shame rising on my face. This was not it. I was not living up to my promise to my 16-year-old self.   

Charlotte’s hair wasn’t the problem—I was. Counter to everything our culture teaches about who is responsible for those moments (the children…  because they should “do as we say”), it was so glaringly apparent to me that a 3-year-old’s behavior shouldn’t be the issue when I was the one doing the hitting. If we were going to do this parenting thing differently, I would need to be different. Good intentions weren’t enough.

That moment set me off on a path of devoting my work to understanding the science of raising children, which eventually led to the founding of the Jai Institute, where we train parenting coaches in a methodology that has far less to do with changing children’s behavior than changing adults’ behavior. Since 2011, I’ve had the privilege of watching thousands of parents embrace this challenge and radical sea change in our perspective of parenting. So whether you call this new paradigm of parenting gentle parenting, conscious parenting, or intentional parenting, here’s how we define Peaceful Parenting at Jai. 

How Does The Jai Institute Define Peaceful Parenting?

First and foremost, our work is parent-centric. We aim to provide the education, support, and coaching for grown-ups to become more equipped to stay calm and not resort to “imposed punishments” (more on this below), yelling, threatening, shaming, or physical aggression to control children’s behavior. 

When adults do the work of personal growth and transformation, children have the best path to learning, which is modeling the behavior being demonstrated in their homes. When adults have emotional intelligence, children learn emotional intelligence. When adults model conscientious, empowered communication, children learn communication. When we can stay calm, cool, and collected, regardless of the chaos that children can be, our children will eventually learn to do the same when their brains are mature enough to do so.

The Biggest Myth About Peaceful Parenting

From our perspective, there is a collective misunderstanding about what it means to be a Peaceful Parent. It does not mean our children shouldn’t experience “negative” emotions or struggle and sometimes fail. Nor does it mean that parents should not feel anger, frustration, worry, or fear. 

Peaceful or Gentle Parenting, Jai style, means creating a family atmosphere where authentic emotions are safe, accepted, and allowed. It means that we set clear boundaries and model and teach them consistently. 

When we set boundaries, there are two tools that Peaceful Parents can rely on to support the rule or limit: 

Natural Consequences 

Natural consequences in parenting refer to the outcomes or results that naturally occur as a direct result of a child's actions or choices. Unlike imposed consequences set by parents, natural consequences arise without parental intervention. They are a way for children to learn from their experiences and make decisions based on their observed outcomes. The concept of natural consequences is rooted in the idea of allowing children to face the real-world consequences of their actions, which can help them develop responsibility, problem-solving skills, and a sense of accountability.

For example, if a child constantly forgets to bring their raincoat to school and gets wet when it rains, the natural consequence is that they feel uncomfortable and wet. Over time, the child may learn to remember their raincoat independently to avoid this uncomfortable situation.

It's important for parents to use natural consequences judiciously and ensure that they are safe and appropriate for the child's age and development. Additionally, when natural consequences are insufficient, or safety is a concern, parents may need to step in and implement logical consequences to teach important lessons and set boundaries.

Logical Consequences

Logical consequences in parenting are a strategy used to teach children about the relationship between their actions and the consequences that follow. Unlike natural consequences, which occur without parental intervention, logical consequences are deliberately set by parents or caregivers. These consequences are logically related to the child's behavior and are intended to help the child understand the impact of their actions and make more responsible choices in the future.

Key characteristics of logical consequences in parenting include:

Relevance: Logical consequences are directly related to the misbehavior or action of the child. They make sense in the context of the situation.

Respectful: Logical consequences should be respectful and not involve humiliation, shaming, or harsh punishment. They should aim to teach, not to punish.

Proportional: The consequence should be proportionate to the misbehavior. It should not be overly severe or too lenient.

Clear and Communicated: Parents should clearly communicate the logical consequence to the child in advance so they understand the expectation and the consequence of not meeting it.

Consistency: Logical consequences should be consistently applied so the child understands that certain behaviors consistently lead to specific outcomes.

Examples of logical consequences include:

If a child refuses to do their homework, a logical consequence might be that they lose some privileges, such as screen time, until the homework is completed.

Suppose a child repeatedly leaves their toys scattered around the house. In that case, a logical consequence might be that the toys are temporarily taken away until the child can demonstrate responsibility in cleaning up after themselves.

If a teenager breaks curfew repeatedly, a logical consequence might be temporarily restricting their freedom to go out with friends until they demonstrate better time management.

The goal of using logical consequences is to guide children toward responsible behavior and help them develop problem-solving skills and a sense of accountability for their actions. It encourages them to think about the consequences of their choices and make more responsible decisions in the future.

Children get to be angry, sad, disappointed, or frustrated about natural and logical consequences!

It is not the Peaceful Parents' “job” in our world to create an environment where children never feel negative emotions as they navigate the lessons we impart. Emotional intelligence muscles build when we FEEL emotions.

This is the big myth. Because if we’re always trying to keep our children happy, it’s a very slippery slope to permissive parenting. At Jai, Peaceful Parenting is not permissive. We have a role to play in developing our children’s values, morals, decision-making skills, and personal responsibility. 

The beauty of allowing our children to feel their feelings about the boundaries we set is that their emotions do the teaching. We do not need to assuage their feelings. 

We can show empathy: “I get it.” 

We can provide safety: “It’s okay to feel angry.” 

We can provide presence: “I’ll sit here with you for as long as you’d like me to.”

…And still maintain the boundary. 

This, of course, illuminates why it’s parents who we focus on educating and coaching (not children). Because learning to communicate effectively, manage our nervous system and reactivity, and build emotional safety within ourselves is required to provide this level of leadership for our kids. 

Why NOT Imposed Consequences

Imposed consequences in parenting refer to disciplinary measures or penalties that parents or caregivers intentionally apply to children in response to their behavior. Imposed consequences are traditionally used when a child's behavior requires guidance or correction, but they are not directly tied to the natural or logical outcomes of the behavior.

Examples of imposed consequences in parenting might include:

• Not letting a child attend a birthday party because they hit their sibling. 
• Revoking screen time privileges as a consequence of not cleaning their room. 
• Putting a child in time out for talking back. 
• Physical punishment of any kind.

Here are some potential issues associated with imposed consequences:

Lack of Understanding: Children may not fully grasp the connection between their behavior and the imposed consequence, especially if the consequence is not directly related to the misbehavior. This can lead to confusion and frustration on the child's part.

Compliance Out of Fear: Children who consistently face harsh or punitive consequences may comply with rules and expectations out of fear rather than a genuine understanding of right and wrong. This can hinder the development of moral reasoning and internalized self-discipline.

Negative Emotional Impact: Imposed consequences that are harsh or involve shaming or humiliation can negatively impact children. They may feel resentful, anxious, or inferior, which can strain the parent-child relationship and cause harm to the child’s development.

Focus on Avoiding Consequences: Children may become more focused on avoiding consequences than understanding the underlying values and reasons for certain behaviors. This avoidance can lead to superficial compliance rather than genuine learning and personal growth.

Power Struggles: Imposing consequences can sometimes lead to power struggles between parents and children. Children may resist or rebel against imposed consequences, leading to escalated conflicts.

Don’t Address Root Causes: Imposed consequences often address the surface behavior but may not address the underlying issues or needs driving the misbehavior. To effectively address behavior problems, it's essential to understand and address the root causes.

Missed Opportunities for Teaching: Relying on imposed consequences can miss valuable opportunities for parents to teach and guide their children in making better choices. Instead of just punishing, parents can help children understand the consequences of their actions and how to make more responsible decisions in the future.

And most importantly, they aren’t necessary: Children learn when they feel safe, accepted, and connected to their parents and primary caregivers. 

Jai’s Peaceful Parenting Methodology



In a nutshell, we support parents to meet their children's social, emotional, and behavioral needs with effective leadership, empowered communication, and clear values, boundaries, and limits.

We support our children through their emotions rather than trying to avoid their emotions.

We take responsibility for our own nervous system regulation rather than asking kids to be less “kid-like” so that we feel more comfortable, which is why we train Parenting Coaches. Because becoming a parent who can effectively practice Jai’s Peaceful Parenting methods takes support. It takes guidance, empathy, accountability, and feedback. 

Gentle Parenting (or Peaceful Parenting as we call it at Jai) is the path to raising children well while preserving the relationship with our kids and allowing them to maintain their sense of well-being, self-worth, and confidence. Rather than taking kids “down a notch,” we build them UP as we grow them up…  into the leaders that our world so desperately needs.

Meet Your Author, Kiva Schuler
Jai Founder and CEO

Kiva’s passion for parenting stemmed from her own childhood experiences of neglect and trauma. Like many of her generation, she had a front row seat to witnessing what she did not want for her own children. And in many ways, Jai is the fulfillment of a promise that she made to herself when she was 16 years old… that when she had children of her own, she would learn to parent them with compassion, consistency and communication. 

Kiva is a serial entrepreneur, and has been the marketer behind many transformational brands. Passionate about bringing authenticity and integrity to marketing and sales, she’s a sought after mentor, speaker and coach.