Parenting guilt and shame are so common, pervasive and powerful. Many parents live with an all or nothing or “fixed” mindset. Contrast to a “growth mindset”, a fixed mindset experiences failure or mistakes as once and for all, the end. If you are not consistently perfect immediately, then there is no point in continuing to try. 

In this space, we cannot access the gifts of guilt or the purification of grief. In fact, we are shut down within and dismiss any opportunity to grow.

What has created generations of parents who are unsure about dealing with parental guilt, left feeling unable to make mistakes, to reflect and move forward with a stronger and more clear commitment of core values and desires?

What are the main sources of mom guilt?

If inner happiness is the greatest gift we can give our children, then many parents are presented with the challenge of a lifetime. 

Imagine, millions of parents right now tripping over themselves as they compete in the mental Olympics required in order to sift through guilt and shame laden thoughts. First, we have to acknowledge the thoughts that are having us feel guilty about parenting mistakes. 

“I’m not doing enough.” 

“I’m not giving my child what they need.” 

“My mistakes are mounting during the most important years of my child’s life.” 

“I have no idea what I’m doing.”

It can take a herculean effort to climb and pierce through this internal summit. To move through guilt in a productive way and emerge on the other side with greater clarity and dedication to yourself, your authentic calling as a parent, and your connection to your children.

Especially for parents who are actively making sense of how they were parented and choosing a different path for your own children, with regression into what we call “power over” parenting tools and techniques, mistakes are inevitable. 

You may find yourself fumbling about in the somewhat eternal abyss of: “am I doing this right?!” If you’re nodding your head right now, feeling so seen, then stick with us. Let’s work together to find your “flashlight” so to speak, through the dark caverns of parental guilt. 

We will make sense of shame, soften our defense to not ever feeling guilt, and learn how to grieve productively so we may welcome guilt as a guide.

How do you deal with feelings of guilt?

First it’s important to define what parenting guilt is for you. 

What does shame feel like for you? In order to access the opportunity for growth that guilt can provide, we must ANCHOR through our shame.

The first step is connecting to the physical sensation of shame and naming it for what it is. Return to the opening scenario, a parent locking themselves in the bathroom after slipping back into power and control over their children. 

A note on their mirror tells them to “forgive yourself”, but their brain cannot comprehend that invitation. First, their body must be experienced and felt exactly as it is.

This parent could say aloud, in conjunction with a body-soothing tool: “my body is overcome with shame. A part of me believes that I am a bad, wrong, and inherently worthless person. This feels true right now, because I feel so guilty for what I did. But it’s not the TRUTH. I will get through this”.



Or, “I am having an intense emotional flashback. I was conditioned to believe mistakes are not safe. I feel so afraid right now. I am believing this is the end of me. I feel as if I may not make it through this. But I know I will. I will”.

Overcoming parental guilt

Once our body is tended to and shame has been named, we can move into the more nuanced invitation that guilt can give us, if only our eyes are tuned in to the right station. 

We look now at another guide post in the arena of ‘right relationship’ and parenting with Dr. Brene Brown. She states in her article Guilt vs. Shame, “that guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.” 

Note psychological, whereas shame causes both physiological discomfort to the point of struggling to access the ability to cope through psychological discomfort.

Guilt is adaptive and helpful? Said no parent ever! At least, not yet. We have spent too long confusing toxic shame and guilt that we have learned to shut down the agony rather than embrace the possibility.

Would you believe that guilt could in fact be an incredibly resourceful process that can lead us to compassion and an inner loving sense of forgiveness? 

Can you imagine a world where parents could access informed curiosity around their guilt and understand how to wield it as a tool for transformation and connection?

The following scenarios are what most often create a sense of guilt within us: 

• Yelling/shaming your children
• Not spending enough quality time with your children
• Being impatient or tired
• Too much screen time for kids
• Being on my phone too much
• Not being a good enough parent
• My mental health struggles
• Working too much
• Wanting alone time

From the above examples, which tend to create guilt inside of you? 

Most often, do you find yourself floundering or freezing at the body level, then spinning around and around inside of your head? Negatively monologuing about who you are because of what you have done or said?

We need a path forward. Once we connect and soothe our bodies reaction as a result of what we said or did to our children, we need a productive framework that shows us exactly what guilt is here to offer us. 

That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Yet these reassurances bypass actual opportunities available. 

Let’s take a look below at exactly what guilt could be giving us… The GIFTS of guilt.

G: Greater objectivity of action and awareness of our core values

U: Understanding of our feelings and unmet needs

I: Insight into the shame stories we’ve created and believe as true

L: Leaning into what we really want

T: Tenderness toward parts of us who still need reminding that mistakes are safe and repair is possible

Magic happens when we start receiving and growing in alignment with the gifts of guilt.

Your body may still feel hesitant to say yes to this paradigm shift, and your mind may be full of both relief and skepticism. Yet what if we were able to talk to ourselves like we were talking to other people? To not beat ourselves up for feeling guilt, and instead letting it in along with these gifts.

When we shift the beliefs we feel in our parenting, we can start parenting from a growth mindset and thus reduce our guilt and shame. As we’re less and less hard on ourselves, we also begin to have more compassion and emotional capacity for our kids.

Not knowing where to start in taking that path forward? You’re not alone. There are so many parents who want to find another way to parent but don’t know how.

At Jai, we give you that path forward, to become the parent you wish to be for your child while mitigating the parenting myths and patterns that lead you to feel guilt.

Get your free guide to learn more: 12 Myths of Parenting Which May Cause Emotional Harm