How to Choose Childcare Without Feeling Guilty

Allyn Miller • November 1, 2022

We all know the saying “it takes a village” but our world today celebrates independence over community, and achievement over relationships. The proverbial “village” that parents had in generations past has faded away in our highly mobile lifestyles.

What does this mean for parents today? Parents are making tough decisions about their lifestyles and families to ensure their children are getting cared for in the best way possible.

For many parents, this means getting extra support in the form of daycare, nannies, or other outside help. This solution to help everyone in the family can also bring on feelings of guilt for not spending enough time with children, choosing to maintain a career, or seeing their child thrive away from home.

Unveiling Guilt

Let’s take a moment and define guilt. Researcher and shame expert Brené Brown defines guilt as “I did something bad” distinct from shame which is “I am bad.” She notes that “guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive.” When we feel guilty about what we did, we can use that discomfort to motivate change in our perspective and thoughts.

How can you recognize when you feel guilty? The feeling will often come through in thoughts like:

I’m not doing enough.
I should do better.
I messed up again.
That was my fault.

Feeling guilty about getting outside childcare may come from an underlying belief that YOU must be the one to love your child all day, every day. Entire books have been written about the cultural conditioning that feeds this belief, but the only thing that matters is what belief you are holding.

Reframing Our Beliefs

If you believe you must put your children first, you must be there for them at every moment, or caring for your children defines who you are, those beliefs will have an impact on you. Hence the guilt if you seem to be falling short of those big expectations.

One powerful way to shift those beliefs is to consider your child and what they truly need: secure relationships with caregivers based on trust and a loving, responsive presence. When you consider the many ways to meet this basic need for your child, you are no longer the one solely responsible. A child can thrive in many secure relationships with a variety of loving caregivers.

One way to soften the grip of those beliefs is to be radically honest with yourself: What do you need to be your best as a person and as a parent? This is a critical question I often ask my clients to reflect on. Any time you are faced with important parenting decisions you get to consider everyone’s needs, including your own.

For most people, being their best means living a life of purpose and meaning. For many parents, their purpose is fulfilled through meaningful work. Give yourself permission to claim what matters in your life, apart from being a parent.

At first glance, it may sound like an invitation to shirk responsibilities as a parent. No. It’s quite the opposite. When you allow yourself the time to be creative, accomplish goals, or fulfill your purpose, you are stepping into your authentic self, which is exactly the best way to show up as a parent.

Which sounds better? The parent who gives up everything they love, who focuses solely on their children, eventually losing themselves and their identity, and lives with quiet (or highly visible) resentment… or the parent who is dedicated to their children, prioritizes their own joy and purpose, shares caregiving with others, and rests in confidence in their deeply connected relationship?

This is not a choice of one or the other: it is a continuum of moving from martyrdom to authenticity.

Again: parents today are living with conditioned beliefs that they must do all and be all for their children.

Let’s do the work to undo that conditioning. When you show up for yourself, you can show up more effectively for your children.

You can choose to recognize what you need to be the best parent, celebrate yourself as an individual with your own dreams and desires, and allow others to support you in your role as a parent.

It’s a natural tendency to “stay on the hamster wheel” and keep doing what you’ve always done, even if those habits are wearing you down. As a parent coach, I see with many clients how challenging it is to take bold, new steps in receiving support. Be gentle as you start to shift into a new mindset of welcoming extra caregiving help in your family.

Give yourself a pat on the back if you’re willing to consider these new perspectives. Don’t expect yourself to jump on board immediately, but allow yourself space to be curious and wonder about what is possible.

4 Ways to Confidently Choose Childcare

As you continue shifting your beliefs to release some parental guilt, you still need to figure out the logistics of the childcare piece. Here are some steps to help you feel confident about your childcare choices, so you can enjoy the support guilt-free.

Research

There are many factors to consider when hiring any form of childcare. Of course, cost will be a top consideration, along with scheduling, flexibility, availability, distance from the home, qualifications of the provider, and alignment with your family values.

You can help yourself by starting as early as possible with researching options. It takes time to find resources, contact different providers, and gather all the information you need to make your decision. Don’t forget to get references and learn from other parents how a provider will support your family’s unique needs.

Interview

A childcare provider is going to be fully responsible for your child in your absence. This is not a choice to take lightly, so it is worth meeting people face-to-face before hiring them. Arranging an opportunity for the provider to meet your child could also be beneficial, depending on the age of your child and the type of childcare.

Trust your gut and the feelings you get around this provider. Ask as many questions as you need in order to feel comfortable and fully trusting that your child will receive the best care possible.

Advocate

Once you have set up your childcare provider, plan to be in frequent communication with them. The younger the child, the more communication you should expect. For infants, most care providers will keep notes on every diaper change, bottle, nap, and other details you need to know. For toddlers, a daily summary of diapering, napping, eating, and activities is a reasonable expectation. For preschoolers and older children less individual information may be shared daily, perhaps weekly updates with specific incidents shared.

Remember that you are always the expert on your child, so if you have questions or concerns you have the right and responsibility to share those right away. Keep an open mind as you clarify situations and make requests, avoiding assumptions, blame, or judgment of anyone involved.

Evaluate

As your child grows their needs will change, and your family’s needs may change. Expect to evaluate your childcare needs on a regular basis, perhaps every six months, or at least every year. Your provider may also have new circumstances arise like loss of staff or changes in policies, so you may face an unexpected change. (Hopefully nothing as drastic as a global pandemic, but now we know that we always have to be prepared.)

Your willingness to continually determine your child’s needs, your family’s needs, and what the childcare provider is offering will help ensure that everyone in your family is supported.

Today’s world is buzzing with a relentless pursuit of more, better, and faster. You owe it to yourselves and your children to slow down and carefully consider what you need to thrive as a family. You deserve to be you. You deserve support as a parent. You deserve to parent your child free of guilt and full of confidence.

Meet Your Author, Allyn Miller

Allyn Miller is a Master Certified Parent Coach and owner of Child Connection. Her mission is to help exhausted moms thrive in every tantrum or meltdown, whether it’s their child’s or their own.

She is surprisingly funny (and emotional) despite her background as an accountant. Her sense of humor kept her going through years of classroom teaching. These days her clients rave about her listening skills and the unique way she breaks down big concepts into doable actions.

When not celebrating “aha” moments with her clients, you can find this chocoholic mama splashing in the ocean waves near her home in Weston, Florida… or snuggling on the couch with her husband and two kids watching the latest Pixar movie.

Website: www.child-connection.com

IG: @child_connection

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What’s Actually Happening Inside Your Child’s Developing Brain

By Maggie Pouplis • June 3, 2026

Almost every parent experiences this more than once. Your child changes, and suddenly, you feel like you no longer fully understand them. The toddler who melts down over the “wrong” cup. The once easygoing school-aged child who suddenly becomes more sensitive, withdrawn, or reactive. The teenager who pulls away just when you feel the strongest urge to protect them. And somewhere in those moments, most parents begin searching for explanations. “Something changed.” “Someone is influencing them.” “They’ve become difficult.” “Social media is ruining this generation.” As parents, we naturally try to make sense of behavior. We look for causes because uncertainty feels uncomfortable, especially when it involves someone we love so deeply. But many times, what changes first is not the child’s character. It is the child’s developing brain. One of the most important things I learned during my training with the Jai Institute for Parenting was that behavior cannot be fully understood outside the context of relationship, nervous system development, and emotional safety. That perspective stayed with me and eventually led me to dive even deeper into developmental neuroscience and brain development. Because once you begin to understand how the brain develops, it stops looking like defiance, manipulation, laziness, or attitude. The behavior begins to look like development. In the early years of life, especially between ages two and four, children experience emotions intensely while still lacking the neurological maturity to regulate them independently. The areas of the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, planning, and perspective taking are still under construction. In other words, young children often feel enormous emotions inside very small nervous systems. This is why a toddler can completely fall apart because their banana broke in half or because you gave them the “wrong” spoon. To the adult brain, the reaction may seem dramatic. To the child’s nervous system, however, the distress is real. This does not mean children should grow up without boundaries . It means that in moments of emotional flooding, connection and regulation often need to come before teaching. As Dr. Daniel Siegel often explains, an overwhelmed brain cannot effectively access logic, learning, or problem-solving. The nervous system must first return to a state of safety before true learning can happen. This is where co-regulation becomes incredibly important. Children borrow our nervous systems long before they can consistently regulate themselves. They learn emotional regulation through repeated relational experiences with calm, connected adults. Of course, this does not mean parents must remain perfectly calm all the time. Parents are human beings with limits, stress, exhaustion, responsibilities, and their own nervous systems. What matters most is not perfection but repair, awareness, and the overall emotional climate of the relationship. As children move into the school-age years, something else begins to happen. Around ages five to seven, the social brain expands significantly. Children become increasingly aware of how others see them. Acceptance, belonging, comparison, fairness, and peer relationships begin carrying much more emotional weight. This is often the age when parents say things like: “They suddenly became more sensitive.” “They take everything personally now.” “They worry more than before.” And they are usually right. At this stage, children are not simply reacting emotionally. They are beginning to build a deeper social identity. Their brains are becoming more aware of social evaluation and emotional meaning within relationships. Then comes a stage I personally believe is one of the most misunderstood of all: roughly ages eight to ten. Many parents expect things to stabilize by this point. Instead, some children become quieter, more introspective, more emotionally reactive, or seemingly disconnected. Others become easily bored, frustrated, or emotionally overwhelmed. And naturally, adults begin creating narratives around those changes. “They’re lazy.” “They’ve changed.” “They don’t care anymore.” But very often, what we are witnessing is neurological reorganization rather than deterioration. During this period, the brain begins a major process called synaptic pruning. Neural connections that are not frequently used begin to weaken, while frequently used pathways become stronger and more efficient. At the same time, children develop more complex emotional awareness, deeper thinking, and a richer internal world. Many children at this age begin asking bigger questions about themselves, relationships, fairness, identity, and belonging, even if they cannot fully articulate those thoughts yet. Sometimes what adults interpret as withdrawal is actually cognitive and emotional expansion happening internally. And then adolescence arrives, perhaps the stage that activates the most fear in parents. Teenagers begin separating psychologically from their parents as part of healthy development. Their need for autonomy increases while the emotional and reward systems of the brain become highly sensitive. Peer relationships become deeply important, emotions intensify, and risk-taking often increases. To many parents, this can feel frightening or even personal. But adolescence is not a broken relationship. It is a developmental transition. Teenagers still need boundaries, guidance, and emotional safety. Perhaps more than ever. But they also need space to develop identity, autonomy, and a sense of self outside the parent-child dynamic. And maybe this is one of the biggest challenges of parenting today: learning how to remain emotionally available without trying to control every stage of development out of fear. Modern parenting often places enormous pressure on parents to react perfectly at every moment. But children do not need perfect parents. They need regulated enough adults who are willing to stay curious about what behavior may actually be communicating. Because many times, children are not trying to give us a hard time. They are trying to organize a developing brain and nervous system inside a very overstimulating world. And perhaps the question we need to ask more often is not “How do I stop this behavior?” , but “What might this developing brain be trying to communicate through it?”