Let’s take a moment and define guilt. Researcher and shame expert Brené Brown defines guilt as “I did something bad” distinct from shame which is “I am bad.” She notes that “guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive.” When we feel guilty about what we did, we can use that discomfort to motivate change in our perspective and thoughts. 

How can you recognize when you feel guilty? The feeling will often come through in thoughts like:

• I’m not doing enough.
• I should do better.
• I messed up again.
• That was my fault.

Feeling guilty about getting outside childcare may come from an underlying belief that YOU must be the one to love your child all day, every day. Entire books have been written about the cultural conditioning that feeds this belief, but the only thing that matters is what belief you are holding. 

Reframing Our Beliefs

If you believe you must put your children first, you must be there for them at every moment, or caring for your children defines who you are, those beliefs will have an impact on you. Hence the guilt if you seem to be falling short of those big expectations.

One powerful way to shift those beliefs is to consider your child and what they truly need: secure relationships with caregivers based on trust and a loving, responsive presence. When you consider the many ways to meet this basic need for your child, you are no longer the one solely responsible. A child can thrive in many secure relationships with a variety of loving caregivers.

One way to soften the grip of those beliefs is to be radically honest with yourself: What do you need to be your best as a person and as a parent? This is a critical question I often ask my clients to reflect on. Any time you are faced with important parenting decisions you get to consider everyone’s needs, including your own.

For most people, being their best means living a life of purpose and meaning. For many parents, their purpose is fulfilled through meaningful work. Give yourself permission to claim what matters in your life, apart from being a parent. 

At first glance, it may sound like an invitation to shirk responsibilities as a parent. No. It’s quite the opposite. When you allow yourself the time to be creative, accomplish goals, or fulfill your purpose, you are stepping into your authentic self, which is exactly the best way to show up as a parent.

Which sounds better? The parent who gives up everything they love, who focuses solely on their children, eventually losing themselves and their identity, and lives with quiet (or highly visible) resentment… or the parent who is dedicated to their children, prioritizes their own joy and purpose, shares caregiving with others, and rests in confidence in their deeply connected relationship?

This is not a choice of one or the other: it is a continuum of moving from martyrdom to authenticity.

Again: parents today are living with conditioned beliefs that they must do all and be all for their children. 

Let’s do the work to undo that conditioning. When you show up for yourself, you can show up more effectively for your children.

You can choose to recognize what you need to be the best parent, celebrate yourself as an individual with your own dreams and desires, and allow others to support you in your role as a parent.

It’s a natural tendency to “stay on the hamster wheel” and keep doing what you’ve always done, even if those habits are wearing you down. As a parent coach, I see with many clients how challenging it is to take bold, new steps in receiving support. Be gentle as you start to shift into a new mindset of welcoming extra caregiving help in your family. 

Give yourself a pat on the back if you’re willing to consider these new perspectives. Don’t expect yourself to jump on board immediately, but allow yourself space to be curious and wonder about what is possible. 

4 Ways to Confidently Choose Childcare

As you continue shifting your beliefs to release some parental guilt, you still need to figure out the logistics of the childcare piece. Here are some steps to help you feel confident about your childcare choices, so you can enjoy the support guilt-free.

Research

There are many factors to consider when hiring any form of childcare. Of course, cost will be a top consideration, along with scheduling, flexibility, availability, distance from the home, qualifications of the provider, and alignment with your family values. 

You can help yourself by starting as early as possible with researching options. It takes time to find resources, contact different providers, and gather all the information you need to make your decision. Don’t forget to get references and learn from other parents how a provider will support your family’s unique needs.

Interview

A childcare provider is going to be fully responsible for your child in your absence. This is not a choice to take lightly, so it is worth meeting people face-to-face before hiring them. Arranging an opportunity for the provider to meet your child could also be beneficial, depending on the age of your child and the type of childcare. 

Trust your gut and the feelings you get around this provider. Ask as many questions as you need in order to feel comfortable and fully trusting that your child will receive the best care possible.

Advocate

Once you have set up your childcare provider, plan to be in frequent communication with them. The younger the child, the more communication you should expect. For infants, most care providers will keep notes on every diaper change, bottle, nap, and other details you need to know. For toddlers, a daily summary of diapering, napping, eating, and activities is a reasonable expectation. For preschoolers and older children less individual information may be shared daily, perhaps weekly updates with specific incidents shared.

Remember that you are always the expert on your child, so if you have questions or concerns you have the right and responsibility to share those right away. Keep an open mind as you clarify situations and make requests, avoiding assumptions, blame, or judgment of anyone involved.

Evaluate

As your child grows their needs will change, and your family’s needs may change. Expect to evaluate your childcare needs on a regular basis, perhaps every six months, or at least every year. Your provider may also have new circumstances arise like loss of staff or changes in policies, so you may face an unexpected change. (Hopefully nothing as drastic as a global pandemic, but now we know that we always have to be prepared.) 

Your willingness to continually determine your child’s needs, your family’s needs, and what the childcare provider is offering will help ensure that everyone in your family is supported.

Today’s world is buzzing with a relentless pursuit of more, better, and faster. You owe it to yourselves and your children to slow down and carefully consider what you need to thrive as a family. You deserve to be you. You deserve support as a parent. You deserve to parent your child free of guilt and full of confidence.