A not-so-understanding world

When I was 3 years old, I was diagnosed with life-threatening food allergies, and from that point on keeping me safe became my mom’s #1 priority.

In the early 2000’s, the world wasn’t as understanding towards food allergies as it is now. In grocery stores, the back of food boxes rarely included “may contain” labels for allergens, friends and family members would look at you in disbelief at the words “food allergy,” and some schools even used to turn away children who had severe food allergies.

As I approached the age to start going to school, my mom searched high and low for a place that could accommodate me. However, even when we found the perfect elementary school, there was still a huge gap in understanding the true severity of food allergies.

Teachers, staff, and principles weren’t so open to the idea of being responsible for keeping children who experience food allergies safe. My mom stepped in and pushed hard to advocate for me. She held talks at school, educated students and staff, and always made sure that lunch time was a safe environment for me and any other children with food allergies.

At school, my mom was notoriously known as the “peanut mom.” Teachers, parents, and staff rolled their eyes at the idea of adopting a new way of caring and looking out for students. They didn’t understand why she was fighting so hard, or how serious these so-called “food allergies” truly were. But for her, and me, it was life or death. 

She was there at school every single day to ensure my safety. She planned and held every party so I could feel “normal” and safely eat anything without having a reaction, and she attended every field trip in case something went wrong. 

Amidst her powerful advocacy, she experienced strong feelings of rejection, loneliness, and ostracization by unaccepting adults.

“I felt bullied for loving my kid.”

Instinctually, she knew how important it was for her to be my voice.

Because of her, I now know how to be a strong leader and advocate for myself, not only with my food allergies, but in all aspects of life.

How to advocate for your child

Even without a life-threatening disability or diagnosis, all parents experience having to advocate for their kids. Whether it is making sure they have the right teacher, or if your child is experiencing bullying, there are a plethora of reasons that parents may need to step into a situation and advocate for their child.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you advocate for your child:

Proactive & impactful communication

When it comes to advocating for your child's needs, it is important to keep open, consistent, and peaceful communication with the adults and peers in your child’s community. It’s critical for the adults that are around your child to have an awareness of how to best support your child, and who they should come to when they have questions.

Here are some ways to practice proactive and impactful communication:

• Holding a meeting to talk with the appropriate school staff about your child’s needs
• Visiting each one of your child’s teachers to talk with them one on one about your child
• Informing family and friends about your child’s needs. 

Create a team of professionals

Having professionals on your side can be extremely helpful, not only in adding to the credibility of your advocacy, but also in having the support of knowing that you’re personallynd valid in your fight for your child. 

These professionals can include:

• Doctors and medical professionals
• Therapists and mental health professionals
• Experts in your child’s specific need area
• Associations focused on your child’s specific disability 
• Other parents of children with disabilities or special needs 
• Other family members, friends and neighbors

Additionally, having a professional parenting coach can also be beneficial to have a caring and empathetic witness that can also give you the tools to better show up for your child in times of stress and overwhelm that may come up amidst your advocacy.

Stay positive and persistent

Depending on the severity of the issue, this can be easier said than done. Advocating for your child can be a long process that at times can take a huge toll on you mentally and emotionally. Stay persistent and know that your work to support the health and wellness of your child is a work in progress, even if at times it feels like you aren’t making any progress.

Teaching your child how to advocate for themselves

The importance of educating and empowering your children

Besides parents, children are their own best advocates. In times when parents are not there and a situation arises that threatens their physical, emotional, or mental safety, it’s up to children to exercise their self-advocacy. Especially as children get older, they will have to navigate their own lives as they grow into their independence, as they do in highschool, college, and young adulthood. Learning self-advocacy early on is extremely important in setting children up for success in one day advocating for their own safety and wellbeing, whether they have a disability or not. 

Developmentally appropriate expectations

When teaching children how to advocate for themselves, it’s important to keep in mind the limitations of their current brain development. For example, what a parent may request of a high school student will look extremely different than a 5th-grader.

At an extremely young age, parents will need to do more heavy lifting for their child, however a parent can give examples of what responses or statements they can say to uphold needs and boundaries. Giving them examples of self-advocacy that don’t scare them, but instead empower them is crucial here.

As children get older and into their teen years, we can begin to encourage them to advocate for themselves. For example, they can carry their own medication, or notify teachers themselves of their conditions, or opt out of trips/activities that will threaten their physical or mental wellbeing.

This is a process that has to do with brain development, but most importantly, it’s about where your child is uniquely at. Every child is different, so attuning to the needs of the child in front of you is the most important thing when it comes to having developmentally appropriate expectations.

The importance of your child's voice

When parents are not there, a child’s voice is the best chance that they have for keeping themselves safe. Teaching children how to advocate for themselves, and giving them appropriate opportunities to self-advocate gives them the tools to move forward with these positive habits in adulthood.

Self-advocacy can be a scary thing, especially for a developing brain. It’s very vulnerable to put yourself out there in the world and speak your needs when they may not be openly received. It’s vital to start teaching children how to advocate for themselves early on so that they can experience confidence and security around self-advocacy, rather than fear and shame.

Creating strong-minded and hearted kids

Raising children who are well-versed in self advocacy isn’t just about the advocacy, it’s about the values behind it. 

It’s about raising kids who are confident, resilient, and not afraid to stand up for what they believe in, which really happens when we teach kids that they’re valid and that they can always stand up for their values, limits, and boundaries with kindness and compassion. 

“Being at home I can protect you, but out in the real world people won’t be so kind.”

“Toughening them up for the real world” doesn’t prepare children to be treated well. What does prepare them to be treated well in the real world, is firstly treating them well at home.

Now being in young adulthood, I don’t think twice about being deserving of respect and understanding with my food allergies whether it is in friendships, romantic, or professional relationships. 

A parent's role is to bolster their children up to be confident, resilient kids, who know themselves, know their needs, and will go where their needs will be met. When parents show their children how they should be treated, that’s what they will seek out in adulthood.

When adults push back

Inevitably, there may be parents, family members, friends, educators, or caregivers that outwardly disagree with you and your advocacy for your child. In my mom’s case, this happened with seemingly everyone at my school. She feared that her advocacy would never be fruitful, and even feared that if she failed, what social situation would that leave me in? Would I be judged and ostracized by not only my peers, but my teachers too?

She kept stepping out of her comfort zone and fought for me, no matter how uncomfortable the pushback and judgment would be. Over time, the adults at school began to gain more of an understanding and a huge respect for my mom. They no longer saw her as “the peanut mom,” they saw a mom who loved and would do anything for her child. 

When adults push back against your advocacy for your child, know that it isn’t forever. It is your advocacy and your love for your child that will always shine through.

Taking care of yourself when advocating for your child

Whether it’s having a half-day or day where you get to physically or mentally recharge, or if it’s leaning on community, taking care of yourself is crucial to ensure that you can continue to be a potent advocate for your child.

Resting in the support and solidarity of a community

One thing my mom says that she wishes she knew then, that she knows now, is the importance of community and support. Seeking out the support instead of reinventing the wheel on your own can save you a lot of grief and eases the feeling that you’re doing it all alone. Every parent needs someone who can help.

When she found a food allergy awareness and research group, FARE (then known as FAAN), it was an immediate relief.

“Someone understood me, I wasn’t making it up, and I wasn’t overboard.”

Advocating for your child can be an emotional fight, and having a community that understands, and experts or professionals within that community that can be your advocate, is invaluable. 

Advocating for your child to be a challenging process, yet so rewarding for you and your child. 

Although it wasn’t a cake walk, my mom wouldn’t have it any other way. Dealing with the backlash, so that I could have a balanced and safe childhood was beyond worth it to her.

Advocating for me didn’t only positively change my life and my experience at school, it also allowed my mom to become more confident, outgoing, and more open to conflict resolution. It transformed her as a parent and a person.

Her advocacy and leadership also laid down the foundation for future children with food allergies to have a safe and fulfilling experience at that school. At my school, a parent would never have to worry and fight hard for what their child with food allergies deserves.

A parent’s advocacy and leadership doesn’t end with their kids, it creates a future for the happiness, health, and wellbeing for all children.

My experience working at the Jai Institute has given me both the language and context to articulate how I learned to become an advocate for myself through my mom. To learn more about the work we do at the Jai Institute, read our Ultimate Guide to Parent Coaching.

Meet Your Author, Sonja Starrick

Sonja Starrick is a content strategist and writer for the Jai Institute for Parenting. With her passion for psychology and relationships, Sonja brings her love for personal growth and transformation to her work at Jai through videos, articles, and social media.

In her free time, Sonja can be found writing, creating, and getting in nature.